"I fell into the arms of Venus de Milo"
-Television, "Venus"

Josh Lyman: All I'm saying is, if you were in an accident, I wouldn't stop to get a beer.
Donna Moss: If you were in an accident, I wouldn't stop for red lights.
-The West Wing: 17 People

"HERE COMES LINCOLN!"
-Anil

"lettuce wilting is a salad's way of crying."
-Mike Liddel

"Everyone's talking like my dad."
-Steph

Anil: Is it like eating a York Peppermint Patty?
Steph: Yeah, WITH MY LEGS.
-after a beautiful hour standing in the rain, waiting for a Ft. Reno show

Morbo: Morbo will now introduce tonight's candidates. Puny human number one. Puny human number two. And Morbo's good friend Richard Nixon.
Nixon: Hello, Morbo. How's the family?
Morbo: Belligerent and numerous.
Nixon: Good man.
-Futurama, "A Head in the Polls"

"But without question, Peter Hook's most recent band Monaco is the black obsidian jewel in the wretched crown of New Order's myriad extracurricular failures."
-Chris Ott, in So Much for the Afterglow: The 20 Worst Post-Breakup Debacles, in Pitchfork

"I shall call him Squishy, and he shall be mine, and he shall be my Squishy."
-Dory, Finding Nemo

"When you fail to see something, that doesn't mean I'm hiding it."
-Carolyn Hax, live chat

"capitulate or die, motherfuckers."
-Everett Arnold

"I long for the dumpster."
-Scorpius, Farscape: "Self-Inflicted Wounds: Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda"

"Me? Master, master, I offer unto thee, TV's Colin Quinn....choke on it."
-Moltar, "Space Ghost Coast to Coast"

"Matrix 2: The Rave Scene - See it with the one you love, or with the one you're with."
-Paul Jacobus

"It wasn't my horse's fault. It was that slutty broodmare."
-Kelly Floyd

"Anyway, I'm dead and running late."
-Lilah Morgan, Angel, "Home"

"I refuse to accept the idea that the 'is-ness' of man's present nature makes him morally incapable of reaching up for the 'ought-ness' that forever confronts him."
-Martin Luther King, Jr

"And here's where we hop on the merry-go-round of rotating knives."
-Anya, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Storyteller"

"In my plan, we are beltless."
-Andrew, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Storyteller"

"This conversation has taken a turn for the awkward."
-Nell, True Meaning of Life

"What's up, Sir Traitor von Carpetbagger?"
-Red Robot, Diesel Sweeties

John Anderton: That's all, huh? Just walk right into Precrime, go into the Temple, somehow tap into the Precogs, and then download this Minority Report...
Dr. Iris Henimen: If... you have one.
John Anderton: and then walk out.
Dr. Iris Henimen: Actually, I think you'll have to run out, but yes, that's what you have to do.
-Minority Report

"I'm not offering a heart you could break/just a chance you might make a graceful mistake"
-Jenny Toomey, "Breezewood, PA"

"Now, you may regard borax as "pansy-ass," my boy, but that is because you are young and ignorant and have not yet grasped the subtleties of Total Insect Warfare, which requires fanatical dedication. You must mix up oodles of this stuff and apply it with the enthusiasm of Robert S. McNamara dumping Agent Orange on the Mekong Delta."
-Cecil Adams, The Straight Dope

"(Where can you find a place to keep her, with all the huge strange thoughts inside you/going and coming and often staying all night.)"
-Rainer Maria Rilke, Duino Elegies

"I can't believe you people. I come for you, and you want to stay, I let you stay and you want to go."
-Joe Black, Meet Joe Black

"I could tell you why/But I don't know/It's simple and so complicated"
-Mirah, "Sweepstakes Prize"

"Funk this, you wookie!"
-Moltar to George Clinton

"The good news is that the film during tonight's birthing class wasn't quite as scary as I expected. I will mention, I have no idea how there are this many people on earth, because man is it a weird process. (OK, the first part is pretty straightforward.) (Though, still kind of weird when you think about it.) (Anyways.)"
-Paul Jacobus

"He's waiting in wait."
-Anil

"Judy surfed the grease and then wiped out."
-Jen Woodfield, how to fly a turkey

"You are the only person who's completely certain there's nothing here to be into"
-Interpol, "PDA"

"Reykjavík-based noise quartet Sigur Rós are the biggest band in their native Iceland, which should say much, much more about the collective insanity of that earthquake-ridden, blizzard-beaten crag of an island than anything to do with Sigur Rós's sound."
-Amazon.com review of Sigur Ros's Agaetis Byrjun

"You're so cute when you're frustrated"
-Interpol, "PDA"

"I don't trust anything you can assemble completely with an allen wrench."
-Luke Twarek

"There's more than you could hope for in this world"
-The Jam, "Boy About Town"

Little Bill Daggett: You just shot an unarmed man!
Bill Munny: He should have armed himself if he's gonna decorate his saloon with my friend.
-Unforgiven

English Bob: Little Bill, well I thought you was, well I thought that you were dead. I see you've shaved your chin whiskers off.
Little Bill Daggett: I was tasting the soup two hours after I ate it.
English Bob: Well, actually, what I heard was that you fell off your horse, drunk of course, and that you broke your bloody neck.
Little Bill Daggett: I heard that one myself, Bob. Hell, I even thought I was dead 'til I found out it was just that I was in Nebraska.
-Unforgiven

"Does discreet mean 'wears pants'? Cause if it does, I don't wanna be discreet!"
-Imam Sawez

Gil Grissom: There are three things people love to stare at: a babbling brook, a roaring fire, and a Zamboni going around and around.
Sara Sidel: I love a Zamboni.
Gil Grissom: Everybody loves a Zamboni.
-CSI

Allison: Why are you being so nice to me?
Claire: Because you're letting me.
-The Breakfast Club

"I'm the happiest girl at the 9:30 club!"
-Anil

Peter Gibbons: So I was sitting in my cubicle today, and I realized, ever since I started working, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that's on the worst day of my life.
Dr. Swanson: What about today? Is today the worst day of your life?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Dr. Swanson: Wow, that's messed up!
-Office Space

"Poems: always a sign of pretentious inner turmoil."
-Xander, Buffy the Vampire Slayer

"I have given you my soul. Leave me my name."
-John Proctor, The Crucible (Arthur Miller)

"End, begin, all the same. Big change. Sometimes good. Sometimes bad."
-Aughra, The Dark Crystal

"This movie is good enough to have been based on a novel."
-Peggy Hill, King of the Hill

"At times you find that the truth is the best way out/Sometimes telling the truth is the best way out/And it's the wrong words that make you prick up your ears/When later alone/Confession is stay don't go"
-Spoon, "Stay Don't Go"

"He had taken a great risk, and the prize he brought back was the power to choose."
-Thomas Harris, Red Dragon

"Now I think quite a lot of my own point of view/Is that all I have that's in common with you?"
-English Beat, "Too Nice To Talk To"

"Bolero: It's like the booty call put into classical."
-Mike Liddel

"I wouldn't mind being in an American film for a laugh, but I certainly don't want to be in Thingy Blah Blah 3, if you know what I mean."
-Audrey Tautou

"They want your heart to ache/and take up all your time"
-Enon, "Natural Disasters"

"When 4/5ths of your band is playing precussion, that is known as an ONSLAUGHT."
-Mike Liddel, a true comment about Black Eyes

"That just means you were in a class full of girls afraid of reading Sylvia Plath."
-Imam Sawez

"There was no one I needed to tell that I was taking a train to Philadelphia for a day in the middle of November, so I made a slit in the face of a week and slipped unnoticed through to another place. At some point on the tracks outside of Trenton I recognized that I was both adult and alone, conditions upon which one can base sudden decisions of bizarre magnitude."
-Melissa Holbrook Pierson, The Perfect Vehicle

"You are rude...but in the morning...I'll be...sober."
-Bill Dautrive, King of the Hill

Peggy Hill: So, I'll see you tomorrow at the sales meeting?
Bill Dautrive: That sounds exciting, but Tuesday's my ass-scratching day.
-King of the Hill

"'What? They had no war, famine, pestilence, taxes?' Perrund asked.
"None. And no real likelihood of the last three."
'I feel my credulity being stretched,' Perrund muttered.
"So in Lavishia everybody was happy?" Huesse asked.
'As happy as they could be,' DeWar said. 'People still managed to make their own unhappiness, as people always do.'"
-Iain Banks, Inversions

"Do you mind if I name my first child after you? 'Dipshit Knight' has a nice ring to it."
-Chris Knight, Real Genius

"You know, if I just met you on the street...if you gave me your phone number...I'd throw it away."
-Joanne (to Claudia), Home for the Holidays

"Reddi-Whip. Smell it and weep."
-Henry Larson, Home for the Holidays

George Parker: So what's going to happen now?
Betty Parker: I don't know. Do you know what's going to happen now?
George Parker: No...[laughing]...I don't!
Bill Johnson: I guess I don't either.
-Pleasantville

(on suicide watch for Bill)
Hank Hill: How about a beer?
Bill Dautrieve: Beer is a depressant, Hank.
Hank Hill: Don't go blaming the beer.

"I hate that freakin marshmallow."
-Homestar Runner

"My nephew said, 'The meter reader is supposed to SPY on me to find out if I'm a terrorist? If the whole country is gonna play "Behind the Iron Curtain," there better be some fine fucking state-subsidized alcohol! And our powerlifting team better kick ass!'"
-Get Your War On

"When I think of Jason Morriss, this red cloud comes over me, and next thing I know, there's a police man saying, 'I think he's coming out of it. Mace him again.'"
-Imam Sawez

"If you're tired of the big so so/Get yourself into some self control/Play the game by putting on the brakes/Slow down and make less mistakes"
-Sleater-Kinney, "Oh!"

"Next weekend, I get to go to Cashier College. I always wanted another degree."
-Judy

"All I need is one exception/To believe in fake affection"
-Enon, "Come Into"

"Well, I threw out my ethics, and I notarized Velma Throckmorton's will. I hope those cats know how to run a toy store."
-Peggy Hill, King of the Hill

"Johnny...you are my sunshine...my...only sunshine...and, well, hey, you rock my world."
-Lisa Miller's wedding vows, News Radio

"I don't know where I am but I know I don't like it/I open my mouth and out pops something spiteful/Words are so cheap/But they can turn out expensive/ Words like conviction can turn into a sentence"
-General Public, "Tenderness"

"From the opening, off-kilter drum pattern of the title track, One Beat takes you on a log flume ride through a forest of monumental riffs-- a log flume ride, people! Witness the fretboard slides of "Hollywood Ending", the cocky strut of "Step Aside", the mighty, fist-pumping second half of "Combat Rock" (to which I'd like to just give a premature Forkie for Best Riff of the Year right now). Also, be forewarned that the drumstick-twirling coda of "Far Away" has been shown to provoke sudden miming of snare hits and windmill strums in laboratory animals."
-Rob Mitchum, reviewing One Beat in Pitchfork

"His capacity for drinking surprised even him, but it paled in the face of his capacity for self-deception."
-Rick Moody, The Ice Storm

"Wendy wanted to know why conversations failed and how to teach compassion and why people fell out of love and she wanted to know all of it by the time she got back to the house."
-Rick Moody, The Ice Storm

"What good is a brain if it's all you got left?"
-Sleater-Kinney, "Off With Your Head"

"This is the day/Your life will surely change/This is the day/When things fall into place"
-The The, "This Is the Day"

"Dave, I don't know if you've noticed, but most of the stuff I do is weirder than hell."
-Jimmy James, News Radio

"This arugula is so bitter, it's like my algebra teacher on bread."
-Francesca, Full Frontal

Coroner: Cutting open babies puts me in a bad mood.
Briscoe: How would we be able to tell?
Coroner: (heavy sigh) That's why I make the announcement.
Law and Order: Homesick

"There never seems to be enough time to do the things you want to do once you find them"
-Jim Croche, "Time In A Bottle"

Coworker: Oh, he didn't tell you about the other super-secret part?
Steph: There's another super-secret part?

"Every day I spend out in the NOC, getting softer, Charlie is squatting on the Ciscos, getting harder."
-Paul Jacobus

"'Good morning, Perosteck!' he said breezily.
'Horza,' the woman said grumpily, sitting slowly upright, flexing her shoulders and arching her neck, 'twenty years at my mother's side, more than I care to think of as a gay and dashing young blade indulging in all the pleasures the Culture has ever produced, one or two of maturity, seventeen in Contact and four in Special Circumstances have not made me pleasant to know or quick to wake in the mornings. You wouldn't have some water to drink, would you? I've slept too long, I wasn't comfortable, it's cold and dark, I had nightmares I thought were really horrible until I woke up and remembered what reality was like at the moment, and...I mentioned water a moment or two ago; did you hear? Or aren't I allowed any?'
'I'll get you some,' he said, going back to the door. He stopped there. 'You're right, by the way. You are pretty off-putting in the morning.'"
-Iain M. Banks, Consider Phlebas

"Well, my heart is not a wide open thing/There is hardly not a lot to say"
-Pavement, "Ann Don't Cry"

"Keep talking. I'm just gonna start drinking now."
-Isaac Jaffee, Sports Night

"I am creating you to be with you"
-Poem Rocket, "Appeal to the Imagination"

"Break all pipes for more good ideas!"
-Space Ghost

Lister: Someone get behind me!
Kryten: I'm going to come around behind you now, sir.
Lister: Okay, Kryten, take me by surprise!
Kryten: I'm coming around behind you to take you by surprise, sir.
Lister: Get on with it, surprise me!
Kryten: You may get an unpleasant sensation of chloroform. Don't be alarmed.
Lister: Surprise me now!
Kryten: Here comes my surprise, sir
-Red Dwarf

"And I'll be damned if I work pro bono to figure out who some zebra striped burger freak is."
-Officer Mappy, truemeaningoflife.com

"They're just continuing to teach people about nature. First, leeches fall from trees; second, you can put out a fire just by kicking it over and dancing on it."
-Anil, on Robotech

"And the taste of her tongue/It makes me wish I'd given up smoking"
-Hefner, "I Took Her Love for Granted"

"I was flattered beyond measure--I responded easily and inordinately to any evidence of affection from people whom I admired or respected in any way. But--well, perhaps this is specious, but the connoisseur is by his very nature a hair-splitter."
-John Barth, The End of the Road

"This was intended to be a bombshell, I believe, but I was not in an explodable mood."
-John Barth, The End of the Road

"The placing of your arms is a separate problem, interesting in its own right and, in a way, even more complicated, but of lesser importance, since no matter where you put them they will not normally come into physical contact with the Doctor. You may do anything you like with them (you wouldn't, clearly, put them on your knees in imitation of him). As a rule I move mine about a good bit, leaving them in one position for a while then moving them to another. Arms folded, akimbo, or dangling; hands grasping the seat edges or thighs, or clasped behind the head or resting in the lap -- these (and their numberous degrees and variations) are all in their own ways satisfactory positions for the arms and hand, and if I shift from one to another, this shifting is really no so much a manifestation of embarrassment, or hasn't been since the first half-dozen interviews, as a recognintion of the fact that when one is faced with such a multitude of desirable choices, no one choice seems satisfactory for very long by comparison with the aggregate desirablility of all the rest, though compared to any one of the others it would be found inferior."
-John Barth, The End of the Road

"So, reader, should you ever find yourself writing about the world, take care not to nibble at the many tempting symbols she sets squarely in your path, or you'll be baited into saying things you don't really mean, and offending the people you want most to entertain. Develop, if you can, the technique of the pall bearers and myself: smile, to be sure -- for fucking dogs are truly funny -- but walk on and say nothing, as though you hadn't noticed."
-John Barth, The Floating Opera

"And the moral of the story is, appreciate what you've got, because, basically, I'm fantastic."
-Holly, Red Dwarf: Queeg

"Horsie takes prawn."
-Holly, Red Dwarf: Queeg

"It was part of the Mind's very construction -- at every level -- to believe there was no such thing as bad knowledge except in very relative terms, but it really wished that it hadn't had that bit of information in its memory banks; it would just have soon not have known anything about this man, this Changer who knew Schar's World and probably worked for the Iridans. (Perversely, it found itself wishing it knew this man's name.)"
-Iain Banks, Consider Phlebas

"Yes, but I hope this doesn't affect our relationship. You'll always be the copper-headed little troll that haunts my nightmares."
-somethingpositive.net

"It's a frail, sad line between optimism and delusion, my little Canadian."
-somethingpositive.net

"Balveda looked up at him then, ignoring the dwarfed minister as he tried to pull her to the door. She gazed right at the prisoner with her clear, black-irised eyes and held her hands out from her sides. 'I'm sorry,' she said to him.
'Believe it or not, that's rather how I feel," he replied, nodding. 'Just promise me you'll eat and drink very little tonight, Balveda. I'd like to think there was one person up there on my side, and it might as well be my worst enemy.' He had meant it to be defiant and funny, but it sounded only bitter; he looked away from the woman's face."
-Iain M. Banks, Consider Phlebas

"Rumors are like frenchmen. They're everywhere and they keep surrendering to the cold hard truth that is Germany."
-Imam Sawez

"We hope to be as popular one day as curling."
-David Sun, of underwater hockey

"This is turning into a chick party, isn't it?"
-Chris Woodfield

"And you're so occupied with what other people are occupied with/And vice versa/And you've become what you thought was dumb/A fraction of the sum, the middle and the front/And now it's coming back hasn't come too far/I was trying to help but I guess I pushed too hard/And now we can't even touch it/ Afraid it'll fall apart"
-Built to Spill, "Carry the Zero"

"Don't look now/Just keep watching your TV/Hating what's to see/Waiting for someone to say something that's right"
-Built to Spill, "Center of the Universe"

"I would eat with Niall Grant, an Irish busboy I had a huge crush on, who taught me how to stack five plates across my arm. (He also taught me about mixed signals and profound disappointment and slurred confessions in the back seats of cabs. But that is another story.)"
-Min Liao, in a restaurant review in The Stranger

"I don't know how you're taking all of the shit you see/you don't believe anyone and most of all don't believe me"
-Eels, "Mr. E's Beautiful Blues"

"Hang on to your hopes, my friend!/That's an easy thing to say/But if your hopes should pass away/Simply pretend/That you can build them again"
-Simon and Garfunkel, "Hazy Shade of Winter"

"You don't even like anything you like or the people you know"
Magnetic Fields, "The Desperate Things You Made Me Do"

"'How are you?'
"Oh, you know." He shrugs.
'What do I know?'
"I've been to church twice in the last fortnight. That sort of sums it up."
He doesn't mean that this is the sum total of his activity; he means that he has reached the end of his tether. Mark takes drugs, goes to see bands, swears a lot, hates Conservatives, has periods of promiscuity. If, on meeting him for the first time, you were asked to name one thing that he didn't do, you would almost certainly choose churchgoing.
'How did it start?'
"I was driving to see you. I was feeling low, and I thought the kids would cheer me up, and it was Sunday morning, and...I dunno. I just saw the church, and it was the right time, and I went in. What about you?"
'I wanted to be forgiven.'
"For what?"
'For all the shitty things I do.'
Mark only just made my guilt list, and when I look at him now it seems almost laughably complacent. He's a very unhappy man, maybe even suicidal, and I didn't have a clue. All the lonely people....At least we do know where they come from: Surrey. That's where Mark and I come from, anyway."
-Nick Hornby, How to be Good

"'You don't do anything shitty.'
"Thank you. But I'm human. That's how humans spend their time, doing shitty things."
'Fucking hell. Glad I came here.'"
-Nick Hornby, How to be Good

"You don't have to be so formal with me. I've seen you naked."
-Jeremy Goodwin, Sports Night

"We'll bring you the thrill of victory, the agony of defeat, and because we've got soccer highlights, the sheer pointlessness of a zero-zero tie."
-Dan Rydell, Sports Night

"The butt is not a magical place that only gay people can visit, like a leather bar or the Liberace Museum."
-Dan Savage

"There's something in this bitterness that just tastes bad to me."
-Tsunami, "Enter Misguided"

"Goddamn right, it's a beautiful day"
-Eels, "Mr. E's Beautiful Blues"

"A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on."
-Winston Churchill

"Sooner or later/Your legs give way, you hit the ground/Save it for later"
-English Beat, "Save It for Later"

"He's throwing his weight behind goo. It's like suing a network because you don't like the plot of a soap, or devoting weeks of free time to teaching oneself how to smoke."
-Carolyn Hax, Tell Me About It

Alton Brown:...Yummy things like petroleum byproducts.
Anil: Mmm, petroleum.
Steph: Mmm, byproducts.
Anil: They're the best kind of products on earth!
Steph and Anil: (laugh)
Steph: I'm not sure why that was funny.
Anil: Me, either

"Satan was at the Ottobar tonight. He said to me: 'Mike, tonight Mary Timony and shannonwright will be absolutely fantastic, but first you must hear Entrance, because when you make it to hell, this guy will play there every night. I just wanted to give you a little preview.' Anything that I have ever said bad about Orthrealm, Catcus Patch, or Aden, I take it back, all of it, every word. I was wrong, I just simply didnt understand."
-Mike Liddel, on being murdered with tiny little knives

"Why do I like you? Cause I do/I like you/Cause I'm thrilled to be here/Sweet nothing/Sweet dreams/Serene/Sweet nothing/Sweet dreams/Serene"
-Kristin Hersh, "Serene"

"You know, if Kristin Hersh doesn't rock your world, you simply don't deserve the gift of life."
-Ryan Schreiber, reviewing Limbo, Pitchfork

"And writing them down in his notebook, Raleigh said, 'I don't know what the hell is going on here, and I don't know wy you expect me to keep running your ridiculous errands when you won't even tell me the reason.'
'I don't "expect" you to. No reason in the world why you should put up with any of this. I just want you to.'
'Well, I'm sorry, you can't always have what you want.' More laughter. 'Oh, sure you can, long as you want the right things.'"
-Michael Malone, Handling Sin

"When my fist clenches, crack it open/Before I use it and lose my cool/When I smile, tell me some bad news/Before I laugh and act like a fool"
-The Who, "Behind Blue Eyes"

"Man knows he cannot embrace the universe with all its suns and stars. But he finds it unbearable to be condemned to lose the second infinity as well, the one so close, so nearly within reach. Tamina lost the infinity of her love, I lost my father, we all lose in whatever we do, because if it is perfection we are after, we must go to the heart of the matter, and we can never quite reach it.
That the external infinity escapes us we accept with equanimity; the guilt over letting the second infinity escape follows us to the grave. While pondering the infinity of the stars, we ignore the infinity of our father."
-Milan Kundera, The Book of Laughter and Forgetting

"All that electricity -- kinda makes you want to lick it."
-Mike Liddel

"That's so gay. Not you. Wait. I mean..."
-Judy Grunberger, connotation versus denotation

"And if I wear apathy's crown/Don't call me highness/It's a long way down"
-Michael Penn, "Look What the Cat Drug In"

"Do you know if I can get the temperature of hell off weather.com?"
-Mike Liddel

"You got a great car/Yeah, what's wrong with it today?"
-Dandy Warhols, "Bohemian Like You"

"It's when the turkey comes out of the oven that the shit hits the fan."
-Judy Grunberger

"I put the SYN in SYN A...oh, I can't do it."
-Kim Swartz, on "three-way handshakes"

"So listen, listen to me/I can feel your eyes go through me"
-Genesis, "In Too Deep"

"Who knows? Maybe he's waiting for the jury to acquit. Then he wouldn't have to make a decision."
-Adam Schiff, Law and Order

"I like my women like I like my popes: polish and in a chariot."
-Paul Jacobus

"But you know, I find it strangely reassuring that Bad Religion sounds exactly the same as when I last heard them, sometime around 1994's Stranger Than Fiction. Now, this could be because The Process of Belief marks the return of guitarist "Mr." Brett Gurewitz from behind his executive's desk at Epitaph, but I kinda don't think so. Like death and taxes, one thing you can count on in this world is that most Bad Religion songs are going to use a combination of rapid-fire power chords, snare and bass-heavy drums, 25¢-word machine gun vocals, and those creepy synthetic-sounding harmonies."
-Rob Mitchum, reviewing Bad Religion's new album, Process of Belief in Pitchfork

"The wash is out/It's hanging up/And all I have/Is nothing/Nothing to do/ Nothing to say/I think I must be dreaming"
-Ween, "What Deaner Was Talking About"

"welcome to life, in which the only thing you can really change is you."
-Judy Grunberger

"Objection! We are trying this case on the temporal plane!"
-Ben Stone, Law and Order

"Anderson crystallizes the essence of Mann's work in the questions of "Why the hell would anyone love me?" and "Why would I love anyone when all it means is torture?" And though I hesitate to argue with the creator of "Boogie Nights," it seems to me that these songs more accurately contemplate the pitfalls of the elevating interpersonal love to personal salvation."
-Neil Lieberman, reviewing the soundtrack for Magnolia in Pitchfork

"Mimosawsome"
-Paul Jacobus

"Now my fears/They come in threes"
-The Strokes, "Someday"

"Let's drink until our hearts stop."
-Space Ghost

Jane: Your place is called Gary's Gallery?
Daria: Larry's Louvre was taken.

"There was a time when I didn't rush to the bar after work, when all I needed to get me drunk on the way home were thoughts of Mona's sleeping smile as I kissed her hello. I stopped at the West Indian's for groceries and sometimes the Korean's for flowers, and I always left a muffin or a bagel next to the bed before crawling in behind her. When she rose for work, I lay there watching her prepare for the day. 'Tell me what happened,' she'd say while brushing her long red hair, and she'd laugh at the crazy, funny stories, and after the sad ones she'd aways kiss me. Then she would leave. It was about a year before I stopped telling her the sad stories; I had come to dread that brief embrace. I found round-about routes to her bed, needing a break between covering up a DOA and feeling her warm body. I'd shower half an hour, trying to wash the night off me, drank a beer at the table, waiting for her to get up. 'Tell me what happened,' she still said, and I remember I wanted to tell her of the woman with the long red hair lying with a butcher's knife in her side and what trouble I had lifting her off the floor without her guts falling out. 'It hurts,' was all she said. 'It hurts,' again and again. How do you tell that to someone who's flossing her teeth? I began avoiding her in the mornings, making up late calls at work or errands I had to run. I drank every day, never going home, until the last morning I saw her and I didn't know how to stop her from leaving and she never came back."
-Joe Connelly, Bringing Out the Dead

"Didn't the coroner tell me Rose would have died no matter what I did? It didn't matter. The old rules were little help. In the depths of five in the morning only one order remained: if I was willing to take the credit, I had to take the blame, not just for my actions, but for my inactions, my accidents, my nightmares come true."
-Joe Connelly, Bringing Out the Dead

"I needed a drink so bad my hands were biting my pockets, my teeth formed fists in my mouth."
-Joe Connelly, Bringing Out the Dead

"It's more of a sippin' drink."
-Judy Grunberger, Robitussin connoisseur

"Yeah, but then you'd get all those miniature golf hoodlums hanging around."
-Kim Swartz, why not to take an apartment across from Putt Putt

"Want to see/Faces turn to backs of heads and slowly get smaller"
-Built to Spill, "Car"

"you know. this morning, i was all set to do some errands before work. and i was all happy! i was thinking, "there won't be any traffic on my way to the post office and the bank, because it's a... federal... holiday .... oh."
-Judy Grunberger, Jan 17, 2000 06:07:52 pm -0500

When snow does not fall,
And you need to take my van,
You are welcome to.

And 'cause haiku day
would not be complete 'thout a
motorcycle one:

Zoom zoom goes the bike,
Whoop whoop goes the police car,
*sniff* *sniff* a ticket.

(not based on actual events)
-Trey Morita, 1/6/2000

"Lets do something rad tonight."
-Judy Grunberger

"Steph. Even I would not put that much hot shit in a chili. On the other hand, I'd love to try some."
-Judy Grunberger, from old email

"You're really going to hate the next one!"
-Ted Leo, 12/12/2001

"Honey, you're a prize and I'm a catch and we're a perfect match"
-Pavement, "Spit on a Stranger"

"there's a mean bone in my body/it's connected to the problems that I won't take for an answer/and I won't take that from you/because I'd/hurt a fly"
-Built to Spill, "I Would Hurt a Fly"

"i am smitten with their work ethic and intelligence, as well as their butts"
-Judy Grunberger, on Aryan ass

"The number system is like human life. First you have the natural numbers. The ones that are whole and positive. Like the numbers of a small child. But human consciousness expands. The child discovers longing. Do you know the mathematical expression for longing? The negative numbers. The formalization of the feeling that you're missing something."
-Smilla Jaspersen, Smilla's Sense of Snow

"Of all days to take a shower even when you don't want to, your wedding day is one."
-Josh Adams, best man extraordinare.

"I'd keep a distance 'cause the/complications cloud it all, and mail a/ postcard sending grettings from the/eastern bloc. synapse to synapse:/ possibilities will thin or fade. your/wedding figurines: i'd melt so i could drink/them in."
-Death Cab for Cutie, "Company Calls"

"If I could send my underwear via email I'd do nothing but that."
-Chris Cox

"If you could see this dog's feet, you would see what kind of sport I really am."
-Ann Marie

"I sit at this table and I stare at my hands/Every day they grow to look a little more like my dad's/And I trace these veins that run up and down my arms/From where I'm sitting, I trace 60 more years/And I've learned to count on nothing, cause most times it's all that I've got/And all I see is me, my roots are starting to rot/All you wanna do is win, when you're losing/You say you want some competition, well I'm not that strong/Just put away your ladder, I'm happy where I am/My fate seems clear to me, man, it's out of my hands"
-Beulah, "My Horoscope Said It Would Be a Bad Year"

"And sometimes I feel like a genius, other times I feel like a fool/And my friends indulge me, when most times I think I know it all/But mostly I feel like a little boy"
-Beulah, "My Horoscope Said It Would Be a Bad Year"

"I'm not sure to whom the "my" in this thing's name refers. It's certainly not my favorite diary, my favorite diary is Anaïs Nin's. This one does have impressionist penguins on the front, though, which is the one thing that Anaïs can't provide."
-Lore Sjoberg, Rating Things from the Dollar Store Part III, Brunching Shuttlecocks

"'cause nothing hurts like nothing at all/when imagination takes full control"
-Death Cab for Cutie, "President of What?"

"I can't explain myself/It would sound much better from someone else/You chose me and you were wrong/And that's why I write such good songs"
-Kleenex Girl Wonder, "Why I Write Such Good Songs"

"I'll take the best of your bad moods/And dress them up to make a better you"
-Death Cab for Cutie, "Company Calls"

"Does any one know where the love of God goes/When the waves turn the minutes to hours"
-Gordon Lightfoot, "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald"

"I tried my best to keep my distance from your dress/But call-response overturns convictions every time"
-Death Cab for Cutie, "We Have the Facts and We're Voting Yes"

"But what I need/I need to know/Is how much strychnine was in that Ecstacy you gave me an hour ago?"
-Beauty Pill, "Cigarette Girl from the Future"

"I won't take your medicine, I don't need a remedy/To be everything I'm supposed to be/I don't want nobody else/I can do it by myself"
-Elliott Smith, "Junk Bond Trader"

Martha Stewart: There's just something about margaritas that make you smile.
Anil: Yeah, it's called ALCOHOL.

"I'd only end up making you cry, sweetie. Not because I have a fear of intimacy or anything, it's just that I have an onion for a head. You understand."
-Chop Chop Master Onion, True Meaning of Life

"Without an enemy, your anger gets confused"
-Elliott Smith, "Easy Way Out"

"I am over you like news from yesterday/He is over you like the Enola Gay"
-Smart Went Crazy, "Gentleman Caller"

"It's not an awful secret, you know -- it's just a secret"
-Kristin Hersh, "Spain"

Torrance Shipman: Awesome, oh wow! Like, totally freak me out! I mean, right on! The Toros sure are number one!
Missy Pantone: I transferred from Los Angeles! Your school has no gymnastics team! This is a last resort!
-Bring It On

"Cheerleaders are dancers who have gone retarded."
-Sparky Polastri, Bring It On

Les: You know, everyone's saying that your ambition broke Carver's leg.
Torrance: When really it was the angle at which she slammed into the ground.
-Bring It On

"That's not a graham cracker!"
-Me, about 20 times, in between spitting, after being told something that was not a graham cracker was being given to me

"I don't know when I lost my nerve/And I started a routine/And I walked across this corner/Pinned my eyes to a shirt/Cos i'm scared of being seen"
-Heatmiser, "Rest My Head Against the Wall"

"There is nothing that competes with habit/And I know, it's neither deep, nor tragic:/It's simply that you have to have it"
-Aimee Mann, "You Could Make A Killing"

"You need the money/And so you play it dumb/But if you play it long enough/It's just what you'll become"
-Quasi, "The Happy Prole"

"I don't want to see a dumptruck fight."
-Judy Grunberger

"With one of those endless smiles/I love all your little bottles/Of mercury"
-American Music Club, "Challenger"

"My throttle's open wide/And I'm wasting my life/And I'm wasting time"
-American Music Club, "Challenger"

"Put me in the hospital for nerves, and then they had to commit me/You told them all I was crazy/They cut off my legs, now I'm an amputee, God damn you"
-Harvey Danger, "Flagpole Sitta"

"Well, it had to happen. It's even on its second edition, presumably because they forgot to tell how to pronounce "clitoris" in the first one. What cracks me up here is that, like all other For Dummies books, the cover proudly proclaims it "A Reference For The Rest of Us!" As opposed to whom? Those brainy eggheads with their high-IQ fucking knowledge that no working-class Serta jockey can hope to comprehend?"
-Lore Fitzgerald Sjöberg, on Sex for Dummies, in rating the For Dummies books

"Surfacing was the OK Computer for middle-aged men who work all day behind computers. It brought new fantasies to their doldrums. I'll admit, she can write a pretty hook. "Building a Mystery" was due to become the national anthem of Quebec if they'd separated from the Union. Quebec is building a giant, secret superweapon to destroy us all."
-Brent DiCrescenzo, who clearly doesn't know much about Quebec (hello, English-language!), on The Top 25 Canadian Albums of All Time. But, hee! Giant, secret superweapon!

"15 Eric's Trip: Forever Again
Canada's big indie rock band! Named after a Sonic Youth song! That's indie! They've even spawned side bands like Elevator to Hell and solo projects like Julie Dorion. For a time there, it seemed like the entire college indie rock scene in Canada was being produced by Eric's Trip. The acid soaked Purple Blue was a little self-indulgent, so I have to go with Forever Again. Imagine the Smashing Pumpkins' Gish without the baggage of the subsequent career. What I'm saying is that they never did Machina. O Canada!"
-Brent DiCrescenzo, on The Top 25 Canadian Albums of All Time

"im leaving now and wont rest until i am eating poutine."
-Judy, making an exception

Steph: once more i will use the word of the day, FUCKERS.
Anil: ramrod?
You will understand (by the way, this is like a 4-minute video)

"But you raise the bigger concern: Are you a unique opportunity or a chair warmer? This guy is 33, he's been out in the world for a while. I'm 34, I've been out in the world for a while plus one -- and not to sound as misanthropic as I really am, but the number of people I meet who make me think, "Yes, I'd like to see this one exclusively," could fit in a touring kayak. Packed with a week's worth of food."
-Carolyn Hax,Tell Me About It

"I've seen the girl who will be brave when I run off/She's been picking her fights like she knows how to win them"
-Rainer Maria, "Hell and High Water"

"...She's a better version of me"
-Rainer Maria, "Hell and High Water"

Beth: Dave, why don't you just tell her what turns you on and get it over with?
David "Dave" Nelson: To tell you the truth, what really turns me on is when Lisa is mad at me.
Beth: OK, I didn't really want to know that. Are you guys going back to her place now?
Lisa Miller: [calling impatiently from the other room] Dave, are you coming?
David "Dave" Nelson: Oh, yeah!
-News Radio

Johnny Johnson: I'm a hollow man, Dave. I'm a cheap chocolate Easter Bunny.
-News Radio

Jimmy James: I wanted a house just like Xanadu, but without a dorky name.
Lisa: So what did you call it?
Jimmy James: Fort Awesome.
-News Radio

"The money would be pretty good, if a quart of milk were still a dollar/Or even if a quart of milk were still a quart"
-Cowboy Junkies, "A Horse in the Country"

"Pretension and milkfat go hand-in-hand."
-Lore Fitzgerald Sjöberg, in a Cracker Review

"And the final step is to say to yourself, 'Are you nervous? Are you ill prepared, still? Well, fuck it. Do it anyway. 'Cause you're the man.'"
- William H. Macy

"I forget/My heart can beat/In a way besides/One, two/Repeat"
-Sleater-Kinney, "By the Time You're 25"

"In my prison cell I think these words/I was careless/I can see that now /I must be silent/Must contain my secret smile"
-They Might Be Giants, "No One Knows My Plan"

"Kitsch isn't all about being there for the first go-round. Kitsch is all about wondering what you would have been wearing if you had been."
-Djb, reviewing Josie and the Pussycats

"That three-legged cat sure can run!"
-Anil

"Most of us treat our bodies like rental cars, and yet we coddle our precious little feelings, the one part of us that won't break, die, run out or get cancer. (The way we treat others' feelings is a different story.) If we can run on five hours' sleep and a Ho-Ho, we can certainly handle 'I'm sorry, I don't like you that way.' Or 'You're not a strong candidate for this job.' Or 'Your face could scald milk.' Or 'There's a thin envelope here from Yale.'"
-Carolyn Hax, Tell Me About It

"Fuck that, I don't want to buy a damned ISDN modem for 350. Fuck IDSL and fuck (DSL provider) too. And the horse they rode in on."
-Trey Morita

"I'm a trend pimp!"
-Josie, Josie and the Pussycats

"i am so tired. curse this day job! oh wait, it is already cursed."
-Josh Duffin

"That line? About only regretting the things you don't do? Total lie. Sometimes, you regret the things you do."
- MBTV

"Miso Crisis, Day 2: There is a jarring lack of miso in my general vicinity."
-Mike Liddel

"Happiness is such hard work/It gets harder every day"
-Dismemberment Plan, "Gyroscope"

"The only thing worse than bad memories/Is no memories at all/From the age of 20 to 22 I had 4 friends/None of whose names I can recall/I would walk down K Street to some temping job/As winter froze life out of fall/ Yeah, I must been having a ball, yeah"
-Dismemberment Plan, "Spider in the Snow"

"The miles don't really matter/Because there's no place far enough away"
-Sarge, "Clearer"

"And I'm not loving/I'm not hating/I'm not creating/I'm losing my friends/and my young dreams/that was vicious air spilled in my face out of love"
-Throwing Muses, "Colder"

"Don't give me that sucker fish shit/Any love life ain't that hurting/And you always seemed to get what you wanted without flirting/You're not the only one who's used to playing dirty/And all I ever wanted from you was to leave me alone"
-Liz Phair, "Go, Speed Racer"

"Makes you wanna feel/Makes you wanna cry/Makes you wanna tear the stars from the sky/And you're halfway there, but you're halfway down/And you just can't get your ass out of town/And you can't back up cause you're against the wall/And it's the same goddamn thing I told you/Baby it's all right/ Sometimes a dream is what makes you a slave"
-Liz Phair, "What Makes You A Slave"

"You put in my hand a loaded gun/And then told me not to fire it/When you did the things you said were up to me/And then accused me of trying to fuck it up"
-Liz Phair, "Divorce Song"

"It doesn't hurt me./Do you want to feel how it feels?/Do you want to know that it doesn't hurt me?/Do you want to hear about the deal that I'm making?/You, it's you and me."
-Kate Bush, "Running Up that Hill"

"You don't want to hurt me,/But see how deep the bullet lies./Unaware I'm tearing you asunder./Ooh, there is thunder in our hearts."
-Kate Bush, "Running Up that Hill"

"NEVER LET ROOT GET BORED! MUHAHAHAAHAHAHAH! "
-Broadcast message from Noah

"Tell me now: is it more evil to lose your heart? Or to go on, as before?"
-American Music Club, "What Godzilla Said to God when his Name wasn't Found in the Book of Life"

"The three unwholesome actions of mind that are to be avoided are greed, anger and delusion. Do not despair, your karmic debt is greatly diminished by limiting your actions to thought. Speech and physical action have a much greater effect. You did the right thing by not acting on your unwholesome thoughts. Just try not to be such a dick in the future."
-The Seeker, TMOL

"Everyone knows unrequited/Love's the best way to stay alone"
-The Softies, "No One at All"

"That's you all over, Tom: a lie, and no heart."
-Verna, Miller's Crossing

Verna: Shouldn't you be doing your job?
Tom Reagan: Intimidating helpless women is my job.
Verna: Then go find one, and intimidate her.
-Miller's Crossing

Quiz Kid Donnie Smith: I'm sick and I'm in love.
Thurston Howell: You seem the sort of person who confuses the two.
Quiz Kid Donnie Smith: That's right. That's the first time you've been right. I confuse the two and I don't care.
-Magnolia

"And if things had gone differently for me tonight then I probably wouldn't be saying any of this. I grant you everything. But give me this: he personifies everything that you've been fighting against. And I'm in love with you. How do you like that? I buried the lead."
-Aaron Altman, Broadcast News

Paul Moore: It must be nice to always believe you know better, to always think you're the smartest person in the room.
Jane Craig: No. It's awful.
-Broadcast News

"On the verge of believing/What we've always denied/It's begun to look like the beginning of the end of the line"
-The Vanity Set, "End of the Line"

"I watched you suffer a dull aching pain/Now you decided to show me the same/No sweeping exits or off stage lines/Could make me feel bitter or treat you unkind/Wild horses, couldn't drag me away/Wild wild horses couldn't drag me away"
-The Rolling Stones, "Wild Horses"

"I know I've dreamed you a sin and a lie/I have my freedom but I don't have much time/Faith has been broken tears must be cried/Let's do some living after we die"
-The Rolling Stones, "Wild Horses"

"This song is about living for today. Unless you're having a bad day. In which case, it's about living for tomorrow."
-Crucial Defect, 3/4/2001

"You're a mess and I'm a mess. All the colors go bang bang bang in my heart for you. Didn't have to say goodbye."
-The Aislers Set, "Bang Bang Bang"

"I could be your warmest room at night. Could be your favorite window. I could be the roof beam hightened for you. I could be your fears' eviction. I could back your crazed convictions. I could be acoustics all for you. But I've only got a red red red red door and a big gray cozy house. A black black black black car, and an r-e-d bi-c-y-c-l-e. And I don't have you. I could be your sudden let's go out. Could be your favorite bar in town. Could be the whiskey, wine, and the beer. I could be your car's one good headlight. Could be your lighted walk at night. Could be the reason you came back here."
-The Aislers Set, "The Red Door"

"Should have seen just what was there/And not some holy light/Which crawled beneath my veins/And now I don't care/I had no luck/I don't miss it all that much"
-Natalie Imbruglia, "Torn"

"You're a little late/I'm already torn"
-Natalie Imbruglia, "Torn"

"every thousand years/this metal sphere/ten times the size of Jupiter/floats just a few yards past the earth/you climb on your roof/and take a swipe at it/with a single feather/hit it once every thousand years/`til you've worn it down/to the size of a pea/yeah I'd say that's a long time/but it's only half a blink/in the place you're gonna be"
-Built to Spill, "Randy Describes Eternity"

"no one wants to hear/what you dreamt about unless you dreamt about them /don't let that stop you/tell them anyway/and you can make it up as you go/I'm already gone now/you were outside just waiting/I'm already nothing/you just noticed me fading/it takes a lot to make me crazy/and a lot is always going on"
-Built to Spill, "Made-Up Dreams"

"When you call you will call the loudest/When you fall you will fall the hardest"
-Sleater-Kinney, "Ironclad"

"It's not real/You don't need to tell me/That it's not real"
-Sleater-Kinney, "The Hot Rock"

"I can hardly see you now/Are you getting closer and/Do you know you're the one?"
-Sleater-Kinney, "The Swimmer"

"Visa, MasterCard, Discovered that I was spent"
-Sleater-Kinney, "Milkshake'n'Honey"

"When you're in the room it's all that I can feel/Get so used to loving what's not real"
-Sleater-Kinney, "Leave You Behind"

"Are you letting go? Thinking clearer now that it's over/There's no one to blame/As we walk away, why is it I just feel so heavy/What can I take away?"
-Sleater-Kinney, "Leave You Behind"

"What could come around?/What could make a difference to me now?"
-American Music Club, "What Godzilla Said to God When His Name Wasn't Found in the Book of Life"

"Indifferent hearts never keep anything long"
-American Music Club, "What Godzilla Said to God When His Name Wasn't Found in the Book of Life"

"My revenge against the world/Is to believe everything you say"
-American Music Club, "Hollywood 4-5-92"

"oh, i thought i knew you well, what did i know?"
-Cadallaca, "Winter Storm '98"

"There are many things that I wish I cared more about, or maybe not...I dont care"
-again, Mike Liddel. Pretty much. In a way.

"I did not mean to hurt her/When I fell asleep last night/I was just exhausted/From the act of being polite"
-The Residents, "The Act of Being Polite"

"And I'm sad/To give up on the one thing/The one thing I never had"
-Tsunami, "Genius of Crack"

"Indie rock snob? Isn't the snob sort of implied?"
-Josh Duffin

"That shirt really brings out the white girl in you."
-Trey Morita

"Even kittens can't resist the down comforter."
-Steph

"Clearly she's sending a message, but whatever it is, she's trying to say it with meat."
-Carolyn Hax, Tell Me About It

"Who'd have thought I'd really visit/A holiday in Rhode Island"
-The Softies, "Holiday in Rhode Island"

"I wish I could draw a line/Through all of nineteen ninety-nine/All except that moment in the spring/When I had everything/I had everything"
-The Softies, "Just a Day"

"It's funny how a year can make/So much of only one mistake/All I wanted was the life I'd planned/But now I understand/Now I understand"
-The Softies, "Just a Day"

"I try to say goodbye and I choke/I try to walk away and I stumble/Though I try to hide it, it's clear/My world crumbles when you are not near"
-Macy Gray, "I Try"

"I would like a nice, powerful, mind-altering substance. Preferably one that will make my unborn children grow gills."
-Party Girl

"You're out of luck/And the reason that you had to care/The traffic is stuck/And you're not moving anywhere"
-U2, "Beautiful Day"

"Poor communication skills are the sign of an electrical engineer."
-Judy Grunberger

Oh you can write the play/And every word I say/But I don't have to stay/To see the credits"
-Aimee Mann, "All Over Now"

"A good many dramatic situations begin with screaming."
-Barbarella

"I'm a contradiction."
-Zeke, The Faculty

Charlie Mackenzie: Have you ever brutally murdered anyone?
Harriet Michaels: Well, brutal's a subjective term. What's brutal to one person might be entirely reasonable to someone else.
-So I Married an Axe Murderer

Ann: Nothing's what I thought it was. John's a bastard. Let's make a videotape.
Graham: No, I... ahem... I don't think that's a good idea.
Ann: Why not?
Graham: Because I don't think it's a choice that you'd make in a normal frame of mind.
Ann: And what would you know about a normal frame of mind?
-Sex, Lies, and Videotape

Graham: You're right, I've got a lot of problems... But they belong to me.
Ann: You think they're yours, but they're not. Everybody that walks in that door becomes part of your problem. Anybody that comes in contact with you. I didn't want to be part of your problem, but I am. I'm leaving my husband, and maybe I would have anyway, but the fact is, is, I'm doing it now, and part of it's because of you. You've had an effect on my life.
Graham: This isn't supposed to happen. I've spent nine years structuring my life so this didn't happen.
-Sex, Lies, and Videotape

"There are several sacred things in this world that you don't EVER mess with. One of them happens to be another man's fries. Now, you just remember that and you'll live a long and healthy life."
-Louis Fedders, Men at Work

Tommy: Can I ask you a question?
Andera: Go ahead.
Tommy: How long have you been going out with your boyfriend?
Andera: Eight months.
Tommy: And it's good?
Andera: It's very good.
Tommy: He makes you happy?
Andera: Yeah. I look for that in a man you know. The ones that make me miserable don't seem to last.
-Beautiful Girls

Judge: Emma, Victoria, Melvin C., Melvin B., Gary. You've been charged with releasing a single that was no more kicking than your previous ones. Nor does it have such a phat bass line. You are sentenced to having your next record enter the charts at 171 and having it fall completly out the following week. [Bangs the gavel.] Bring in Gary Barlow!
-Spice World

"Humans make the same mistakes over and over. I saw it when I was a vengeance demon. Some guy dumps a girl, she calls me...I exact vengeance, blah blah, then the next year, same girl, different guy. After you smite a few of them, you start going, my goodness, young lady, maybe you're doing something wrong here too."
-Anya, Buffy the Vampire Slayer

"Never accept a moose cookie."
-Paul Jacobus

"'Whatever. I can see why you prefer Solomon to Art. I understand, really I do. And if I was asked to say which of the two was better, I'd go for Solomon every time. He's authentic, and black, and legendary, and all that sort of thing. But I like "Bright Eyes." I think it's got a pretty tune, and beyond that, I don't really care. There are so many other things to worry about. I know I sound like your mum, but they're only pop records, and if one's better than the other, well, who cares, really, apart from you and Barry and Dick? To me, it's like arguing the difference between McDonald's and Burger King. I'm sure there must be one, but who can be bothered to find out what it is?'

The terrible thing is, of course, that I already know the difference, that I have complicated and informed views on the subject. But if I start going on about Whoppers versus Quarter Pounders with Cheese, we will both feel that I have somehow proved her point, so I don't bother."
-Nick Hornby, High Fidelity

"If you ever get close to a human/And human behavior/Be ready to get confused/There's definitely, definitely, definitely no logic"
-Bjork, "Human Behavior"

"And if you complain once more/You'll meet an army of me"
-Bjork, "Army of Me"

"Unload gun each night by firing into ceiling, counting each bullet in screamed German."
-The Onion (Firearm Safety Tips)

"In Salon, Greil Marcus wrote that at [PJ Harvey's] New York gig, 'there were moments when doors you didn't know were there opened.' But, for Marcus, eating a potato chip probably opens doors he didn't know were there."
-Mark Jenkins, practicing petty rock critic cattiness (or is that catty rock critic pettiness?) in the DC City paper, 1/18/2001

"We used to have a jug player, but he died on us."
-Aimee Mann, 1/16/2001

Briscoe: Can you tell us where he went?
Suspect's girlfriend: Mexico. Go to Texas, make a left.
-Law and Order

McCann: Are you okay?
Banning: Yeah.
McCann: I was okay once. I found out my wife was cheating on me. I beat a suspect unconscious, fucked five women in three days, and drove my car the wrong way on an off-ramp. But I was okay.
-The Thomas Crown Affair

"nostalgia is terrible, and in reality, you probably wouldn't do it the same all over again. hopefully."
-Cadallaca

"He wears the boobies, and I have to clean up after him."
-Ann Marie

"You think it's easy, but you're wrong/I am not one half of the problem/Zurich is stained and it's not my fault/Just hold me back or let me run"
-Pavement, "Zurich is Stained"

"Zorak is stained"
-one of the shots on Moltar's viewscreen during the Space Ghost Coast to Coast featuring Pavement as the Beatles

"We went through hell/Just to get to hell"
-Quasi, "The Poisoned Well"

"so sick and tired of all these pictures of me/completely wrong/totally wrong"
-Elliot Smith, "Pictures of Me"

"If you've got a one in a million girl, don't let her get away/Cuz the next one in a million girl/Is a million girls away"
-Liz Phair, "Freak of Nature"

"And I tried to tell you before/That that's why I left California"
-Liz Phair, "California"

"From my head to my toes/From the words in the book/I see a vision that would bring me luck/From my head to my toes/To my teeth, through my nose/You get these words wrong/You get these words wrong/Everytime/ You get these words wrong/I just smile"
-New Order, "Leave Me Alone"

"A thought that never changes/Remains a stupid lie"
-New Order, "Your Silent Face"

Anil: Windows 1.01! I should download that, install it, run it for two days, and shoot myself in the face!
Someone else: I wonder which would be the most painful.

"Just because we had a thing for a hundred and fifty years, don't presume you know everything about me!"
-Darla, Angel

"Negative feedback is such an oxy-damn-moron"
-Mary Prankster, as yet untitled song ("You're wrong/I'm right". that one)

"You looked around. I'll admit it was sad. Trying to hide that you wanted her so bad."
-Dance Hall Crashers, "Make Her Purr"

"The first time you knew it was true. You loved her and she had to have you. All that night, she made you feel so strong and husky, male and musky, then she got on your horse and took off. That was the last you saw of her."
-Dance Hall Crashers, "Make Her Purr"

"Ha, ha, WE WON! And to the victor go the shovels."
-ad copy in a military surplus catalog

"Feel free to make any judgements necessary."
-Brian Wellington, on his CD collection, specifically, but a useful statement for almost every occasion

"Thought I knew what I had to do to get through to you/Guess your head is thicker than I thought"
-Dance Hall Crashers, "Lost Again"

"What I want to buy from you/is a little piece of me/standing here half naked/I've stripped for you carefully/part of my personality/and all of my free time/I want to buy for a dollar/what you stole from me for a dime"
-Bangs, "S.O.S."

"Oh - don't live up to your given roles/There's more inside you that you won't show/But you keep it hidden just like everyone"
-The Jam, "Ghosts"

"Thought that I would forget you?/Heaven knows that's not my style/ And that I would let you?/Walk away without at least goodbye/You shouldn't let those feelings fool you - You shouldn't let those feelings get you down"
-The Jam, "Happy Together"

"Thought that I was a devil?/But I'm an angel waiting for my wings/And I was out to hurt you?/But I've no wish to ever cause you pain/Cause there's enough in this world of sorrow/I've no wish to add some more to it"
-The Jam, "Happy Together"

"I don't like everything bagels. They don't look like food."
-Brian Wellington

"When I am king, you will be first against the wall/with your opinions which are of no consequence at all"
-Radiohead, "Paranoid Android"

"If tv and school had a fight, tv would kick school's ass. School would be walking around, holding tv's pocket."
-Anil

"I decided the best description I can come up with for you is 'my dysfunctional soulmate'."
-Todd France,

"oh well, we come from some fucked up double helixes."
-ann marie hausler, on genetics

"Running into you like this without warning/Is like catching a sniff of tequila in the morning"
-Crash Test Dummies, "I Think I'll Disappear Now"

"These crazy words of mine/So wrong they could be right"
-New Order, "Sub-Culture"

"A view without a room/Unveils the truth so soon/And when the sun goes down/You've lost what you had found"
-New Order, "Sub-Culture"

"dear sirs, I resign in 2 weeks. have a nice life. you pig-fuckers."
-Jason Morriss

"If it's not about me, I can MAKE it about me, and that's the GREAT thing about me!"
-Judy Grunberger

"Come on, slug, let's raise hell."
-Judy Grunberger, to my stuffed banana slug

"I'll get the car -- you get the match and gasoline"
-Afghan Whigs, "Going to Town"

"And I would come to visit you/But I can't find my car keys/And I can't remember where you live/And if I had just a little time/I could speak seven languages/I could walk on water"
-Camper Van Beethoven, "Seven Languages"

"Up in the sky/I saw a cloud/And I thought that it looked like something/But on second thought not"
-Camper Van Beethoven, "Seven Languages"

Steph: My liver is still saying, "please don't pour any more alcohol on me"
Judy: Mine's saying, "BRING IT ON"

"It's ok, I know nothing's wrong/Nothing's..."
-Talking Heads, "This Must Be the Place"

"I'm sorry, Officer, but he was wearing beige!"
-Everett

"It's been proven that men named Everett are the most masculine in the world."
-Everett

"Somebody here's too smart"
-Throwing Muses, "Call Me"

"A second chance for a second chance/She's not the loving kind/A tearless doll with plastic eyes/Have you ever seen"
-Luna, "Seven Steps to Satan"

"Well, raise my rent, and turn the clocks back/How I wish it could last forever/Flies the size of cigarette packs/I tried to pay with Camel bucks"
-Luna, "Four Thousand Days"

"I am in all twitchy awe of that thing."
-Mike Liddel. Why?

"I got one word for you: clowns."
-Alan Weaver, with the power of mute

"I figure, you hook a 12 volt battery to a headlight with a paperclip, and you're good to go!"
-Todd France, not an EE

"Sometimes I don't even know what my freak is."
-Chris Cox

Playboy: Men have muses. What do women have?
Aimee Mann: Problems. Actually, I don't think men have muses. Michael (Penn) doesn't. A woman dreamed up that one. "I'm going to be his muse. That's how I'm going to contribute to great art. I'm going to sit there and look hot." If you want to be his muse, give him a hard time. Then he'll really have something to write about.
-Aimee Mann, in the Playboy's 20 Questions, August 2000

"I've always hidden it, but there's something you should know/Maybe you can handle it -- if not, you'd better go/This isn't my real face, baby, it's just a scar/It happened a long time ago. It happened in a car"
-Cadallaca, "Scarface"

"Take off the dress/Take off the face/I'll hold you close/Before I leave"
-Sleater-Kinney, "One More Hour"

"I just kind of died for you/You just kind of stared at me"
-Foo Fighters, "Aurora"

"druids didn't practice "neutrality". the Swiss practice neutrality. druids practiced human sacrifice. there's a difference. if the druids had practiced neutrality, they'd probably still be around, making oaken and ashen cuckoo clocks decorated with stylized holly patterns, and tasty chocolate sickles wrapped in gold foil to give to their children on the Winter Solstice. instead, they removed people's still-beating hearts from their living bodies and buried them at the roots of oak trees. institutionalized ritual murder is about as proactive as you can possibly get."
-Mark Argent

"your ignorance outstrips mine like a great black light-absorbing beacon of anti-intellectualism."
-Mark Argent

"everybody wants to be like movies/no, you're right, i don't know what i'm doing"
-The Butchies, "Movies Movies"

"This is a song about moving, this is the song I sing to you when you pack your car, but you're not allowed to call and tell me that this place is shitty, you're not allowed, you're not allowed at all"
-Sarah Dougher, "Moving"

"And if I could feel what I felt then, I'd gladly do it over again, you broke my heart so slow, I hated to see you, I hated to see you go"
-Sarah Dougher, "Girl in New Orleans"

"Think of it this way/You could either be successful or be us/With our winning smiles, and us/With our catchy tunes, and us/Now we're photogenic/You know, we don't stand a chance"
-Belle and Sebastian, "Get Me Away from Here, I'm Dying"

"I know that it's wrong, but what can I say? Cuz I'm going to do it, anyway"
-Aislers Set, "We Give Up"

"I don't want to be the girl that's driving you home/Just to see you in and turn and go back alone"
-Aislers Set, "I've Been Mistreated"

"Why do you say everything as if you were a thief/but what you stole has no value/what you preach is far from belief?"
-American Music Club, "Johnny Mathis's Feet"

"What self-respecting vermin would eat this bunny?"
-Todd France, on the giant bunny Peep that's been sitting on my desk for a year, after I mentioned it had never drawn bugs to my desk, or cube in general

"Throw it off the side, throw it off the bridge, burn it in a pile in the middle of your yard. Now release the rope, don't wonder any more, why you ever held it or where it's going to go"
-Sarah Dougher, "No-Handed"

"And I would swim across the ocean/and I would sail across the sea/to find the one thing you think is broken/and hold it inside of me"
-Sarah Dougher, "The New Carissa"

"You don't want to be part of a rock sandwich when you have a cello in your band."
-Jenny Toomey, 5/26/2000

"All aboard for heartache/all aboard for bad decisions"
-Bangs, "Train Wreck"

"Critics at their worst/could never criticize/the way that you do/no, there's no one else, I find/to undermine or dash a hope/quite like you/and you do it so casually, too"
-Aimee Mann, "Nothing is Good Enough"

"As a t-shirt vendor, I encourage people to buy tight-fitting shirts."
-Sarah Dougher, 5/15/2000

"Are we holding on/To our pride a bit too long?"
-Sleater-Kinney, "The Ballad of a Ladyman"

"The accident is about to start"
-Sleater-Kinney, "Was it a Lie?"

"Our shows are fun, as well as informatory."
-Lunachicks, 5/11/00

"As much as I want to see every straight man in America, especially straight men in Iowa, get fucked in the ass, I do NOT forward kinky mash notes to minors."
-Dan Savage, Savage Love, 5/11/2000

"I'm so sick of tests/Go ahead and flunk my ass"
-Sleater-Kinney, "Male Model"

"I want a day not meant for you to see"
-Sleater-Kinney, "Was It a Lie?"

"Journalists often want to portray us as one-dimentional, angry women. We are that and so much more!!!"
-Janet Weiss of Sleater-Kinney, on interviews with journalists

"For people who want us to make Call the Doctor or Dig Me Out over and over, why don't you buy another copy of those records so you can have two."
-Janet and Corin from Sleater-Kinney

"I can be your ride away, so we can get out of here/I've always been the one who runs from everyone, cuz everyone's just too near"
-Foo Fighters, "Gimme Stitches"

"No one chooses to struggle in vain/No one else is defending your name/The unmarked horizons remain/It's all there for the risk"
-Tsunami, "Poodle"

"Please excuse my eyes/Please excuse my face/Please excuse my eyes/Put me in my place"
-Luna, "Super Freaky Memories"

"Remember, remember: I'm sticking to my story/Remember, remember: it's all that I have left"
-Luna, "Four Thousand Days"

"You made an educated guess/cuz you are an educated girl"
-Luna, "Dear Diary"

"it's always been wait and see/a happy day and then you pay/and feel like shit the morning after"
-Elliot Smith, "Say Yes"

"If you stare long enough/And I'm so close to friendly/You can almost imagine you're mine"
-Lois Maffeo, "You Love Your Wounds"

"The secret of being a bore is to tell everything."
-Voltaire

"Do not tell me where I can or cannot go, bitch!...Where am I?"
-Noah, sysadmin, bitch!

"Oh, for the sake of momentum/I've allowed my fears to get larger than life/And it's brought me to my current agendum/Whereupon I deny fulfillment yet to arrive"
-Aimee Mann, "Momentum"

"Is this little soldier gonna make it till it's June or July?"
-Cadallaca, "June n July"

"i hate being surprised."
-Judy Grunberger, n3tg33k

"it's a thin line, baby, but you want to go/it's a hard time, honey, but you can't say no"
-Sleater-Kinney, "Tapping"

"oh god let me in/there's nowhere else to go/oh god let me in/and let me go"
-Sleater-Kinney, "Dig Me Out"

"It behooves me to note that yesterday went fairly well and was rather pleasant. I like making a note of things like that for future irony value."
-Mark Langsdorf

"Hopefully she'll tell me what a sushi cabal is."
-Mark Langsdorf

"Kick him in the head! Kick him in the head!"
-Mike Liddel, advocating violence against Keith in public, in front of God and everyone

"If you make a window out of chili, that's just not right."
-Steph (even though Brian's reaction to this is the funniest part about it. Besides the absurdity.)

"we have a component to our main product named 'flows'. of COURSE a man thought it up."
-Judy Grunberger

"This kitten is so cute, I have to put it in a bag! Ahahahahaha!"
-Anil

"The waiting drove me mad/you're finally here and I'm a mess"
Pearl Jam, "Corduroy"

"Irish folktales scare the shit out of me"
-Pavement, "Folk Jam"

"So much for destiny"
-Pavement, "Cream of Gold"

"Time is a one way track and I am not coming back"
-Pavement, "Cream of Gold"

"Help me, Jeebus!"
-Homer Simpson

"It seems that if they leave us enough rope to get a belly full of sushi, a movie and some warm blankets, we'll never complain or even vote, much less stand up for ourselves."
-Andrew Farrington

"I should thank you, almost"
-Aimee Mann, "I Should've Known"

"Well, I could have objections/which you could override/but what's the point--we're only flogging the horse/when the horseman has up and died/once I testified/and swore I'd never leave a stone unturned-- I bet you're really glad that I lied"
-Aimee Mann, "The Fall of the World's Own Optimist"

"I can't do it/so move along/do you really want to wait until I prove you wrong?/And don't tell me--let me guess/I could change it all around if I would just say yes"
-Aimee Mann, "How Am I Different"

"They'll make it your way, as long as your way is extra mayo."
-customer, talking about a week-old Whopper at his office

"Take me to the sweet mushroom palace, my friend booze!"
-some quip from some character on some episode of MST3K

"You won't find a better loser."
-Eric Clapton, Bell Bottom Blues

"If I'd known I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself."
-Eubie Blake

"Mom, you're no Elf Sternberg."
-Judy Grunberger to her mom. Who is no Elf Sternberg.

"I, Dave Mauro, am fully Y2K compliant. Despite having been manufactured in the early 70s."
-Dave Mauro

"You wouldn't want to take me home. I'm a really fussy eater."
-Mary Prankster, 12/22/99

"I don't think the wumpscut mix would be industrial, it depends. Like if he sat down at a piano it wouldn't be industrial, but if he sat down in front of a flaming metal trashcan with a metal rod in his hand and did nothing, THAT would be industrial."
-someone (whose name I accidentally deleted a long time ago) on r.m.i.'s opinion of the industriality of a wumpscut remix of "4min 33sec"

"I've been hearing good things about the new FLA. Apparently, it's the best thing they've released since their last uninspired piece of drek."
-Dayv! on FLA. It doesn't really matter which, does it?

"I'd like to get away for just a few days from this double shift of living I'm on"
-Tsunami, "Double Shift"

"If you'd waited to learn more about this woman before you decided she was all that and the now-proverbial bag of chips, you wouldn't have been hurt when she proved to be none of that and wholly lacking in chips."
-Dan Savage, from 12/9/99 Savage Love

"I like soy milk, but it makes me feel funny."
-Anil

"My manner is imperious/My logic is empirical/And I'm bad at being a girlfriend/So I'm hoping for a miracle"
-Mary Prankster, "Tempest"

"Now don't go thinkin that I'm crazy/Just because I am/Cause I wouldn't act indifferent/If I didn't give a damn"
-Mary Prankster, "Tempest"

"Take that old grey mare out and shoot it/It was nothing to you but a lame idea/Seen enough of those to know where it'll lead me/Following hoof prints and finding a foundry"
-Tsunami, "Old Grey Mare"

"Apple's public persona has done her more damage than any mean-spirited journalist could ever hope to inflict: At 22, she's already more insufferable than Courtney Love, a fact that often threatens to overshadow her compelling music."
-Joshua Klein in The Onion's AV Club on Fiona Apple

"Continental spares are way too ghetto: 'I am a numbers runner and I am pushing 50. My name is Leroy. This is my big ass white car with maroon interior.'"
-Ingrid Gaines

"You put the 'smack' in 'mack'"
-Seth Gaines

"Are you thinking about being a rich young bachelorette with a motorcycle and fascinating techno-bondage toys, or what?"
-Mark Langsdorf

"You're not going to start wearing pastel cardigans and open up an antiques store, are you?"
'Whatever gets me the ladies.'
-Tom and Dick, "Third Rock from the Sun"

"I gotta twelve pack of protoculture sittin' on my desk."
-Ed Karnicki

"I said, 'How come you never tell me you love me?'/ He said, 'I don't. And that's enough with the questions.'"
-Mary Prankster, "Piss Off"

"'Why why why why why,' he said/'Rosanna Arquette looks nothing like Madonna/and you'd have to be a moron/to desperately seek either one'"
-Mary Prankster, "Breakfast"

"It's like talking to the wall/he's incommunicado/No comment to make/He's saying nothing at all"
-Dire Straits, "Communique"

"Columbia House is releasing a soundtrack of my life, but it's immediately going to be part of their "super saver" series. Actually, it's just a reissue of REM's "Reckoning" with a couple of extra tracks by Michael Jackson. And it will be availabe on 8-track."
-Dave Mauro

"Tonight the waitress recites a list of everything
She's out of. It's not much, compared to yours."
-David Clewell, "We Never Close"

"Going to wendy's was the stupidist thang I done since I had that cuban tequila"
-Rich Kozak, on getting lunch in a hurricane

"I dub today Monkey Friday!"
-Todd France

"Got this feeling when i heard your name the other day/couldn't say it, couldn't make it go away"
-Sleater-Kinney, "Good Things"

"Every time I come down here, all anyone talks about is computers and vibrating butt-plugs."
-Ann Marie Hausler

"But now and then you'll have one too many drinks, and suddenly you'll think True Love is, in fact, not only possible, but also the source of much happiness.
-Polly Esther, suck.com, 02.05.97

"I'm negative. I believe that's true out of context"
-Steph, introspectively. Or drunk. More likely both.

"Back to high school with you, you MP quoting weirdo."
-Paul Jacobus

"I found a way to use my head: I go over and over every word he said/Look how I can make something out of nothing"
-Juliana Hatfield, "Lost and Saved"

"I know exactly where we stand: You're on your feet and I'm in quicksand"
-Juliana Hatfield, "Lost and Saved"

"it took so long to leave so fast"
-Luscious Jackson, "Under Your Skin"

"Ok, Dad, now I go back to graduate school, that was the deal"
-The Bowler, "Mystery Men"

"Sorry, kid. You've got the gift, but you're not the one."
-The Oracle, "The Matrix"

"you too can become an MCI 7th level point of escalation"
-Dave Mauro

"Apparently we lease part of a T-1 line. Apparently we leased the insulation."
-Seth Gaines

"I don't think that even in 'Song of Solomon' they use the phrase 'finish me off'."
-Seth Gaines, in a biblical sense

"You thought I was something from afar/You thought I'd totally excite you/I guess it's just another thing to stand up close and ignite you/Love is nothing, nothing, nothing like they say/You gotta pick up the little pieces every day"
-Liz Phair, "Love is Nothing"

"He keeps on telling me, 'You've got time'/But I don't believe him/'You've got time'/I keep on pushing harder/I keep on pushing farther away"
-Liz Phair, "Polyester Bride"

"I want to be cool, tall, vulnerable and luscious/I would have it all if I'd only had this much"
-Liz Phair, "Perfect World"

"You say you're a ghost in our house and I realize I do think I see through you"
-Liz Phair, "Go On Ahead"

"Everybody plays the fool/Sometimes"
-The Missing Ingredient, "Everybody Plays the Fool"
vielen danke to Todd France
(seeing how this used to say, "some song by some band that I forget", or something along those lines)

"You may think/she's an open book/but you don't know which page to turn to/do you?"
-Cake, "Open Book"

"Don't come any closer/that's good enough/don't go away/can't stand the thought"
-Sleater-Kinney, "Turn It On"

"You can take me home, but I will never be your girl"
-Liz Phair, "Headache"

"I can see the Russian Army rolling through my head/On one side of me lies the enemy, the other side is dead"
-Liz Phair, "Headache"

"And it goes round in circles: one night is lovely, the next is brutal/And you and I are in way over out heads with this one, it's hard/To admit it, but you hold me and I can't feel you/We hurt but we smile"
-Liz Phair, "Go On Ahead"

"Is there anything of yours that we can keep as a memento of this visit?
Take California."
-The Propellorheads, "Take California"

"Don't tell me I've been wrong...Don't tell me all the magic's gone?/Every corner has its favorite clown/I'll see you"
-Liz Phair, "White Chocolate Space Egg"

"I'm sending you this photograph, I swear/This one is going to last and all those other bastards/Were only practice"
-Liz Phair, "What Makes You Happy"

"Why can't you tell me/is it worth a fight/do I sound crazy/well I just might"
-Sleater-Kinney, "Turn It On"

"Dig me out/dig me in/outta my body outta my skin/ya got me, for now/I'm here, for now"
-Sleater-Kinney, "Dig Me Out"
Yeah, the what have I been listening to game is back

"you've already seen me in enough embarassing situations."
-MTV's Daria, again, eerily similar to my life

"Don't be dumbasses: of course we're going to play 'Low'."
-David Lowrey, to the crowd shouting for the song Cracker is completely tired of playing, 7/2

"I'm going to develop a protocol that will allow me to reach through the internet and whap customers on the head."
-David Mauro

"Discrimination is NOT wrong, or I'd be watching "Full House" reruns right now."
-Judy Grunberger

"As much as I love this place, unless we make our customers take IQ tests, drug screenings, and make them promise not to become NT certified, this place is like Dante's inferno without the natural lighting. Also there are not as many nudes boiling in oil."
-Imam Sawez, leased line support technician

"You see, I know some thing you don't. I know what the last song is."
-Liz Phair, 4/27/99

"What kind of psycho brings seven pairs of jeans to a sleepover?"
-am

"The blue bearded schnauzer is coming for your soul!!"
-Noah, being blue-bearded

"Lotus Notes is the Godzilla of intranet software. Sometimes, it saves Tokyo. More often, it smashes it."
-Mike Liddel, government worker

"No, sir, I don't think you are all idiots--but you just nominated yourself."
-Rush Limbaugh

"You know how many things you can find out when you are doing the job of someone else?"
-Customer thrown into the deep water of LAN administration without documentation

"There's no limit to how much you can delude yourself."
-Judy's Pop

"One-You lock the target/Two-You bait the line/Three-You slowly spread the net/ And four - You catch the man"
-Front 242, Headhunter

"I'm not an alien! I'm just discontent!"
-The Faculty

"At Zango Transportation Systems, our motto is, Caveat Emptor. Which means, we hope you like it!"
-Lambda Expressway

"I'm not a real doctor--but I am a real worm"
-They Might Be Giants, "Doctor Worm"

"Not everything then was bawdy and ribald"
-Judy Grunberger on Ren Faires

"Everything there is stinky, because it's all filled with cheese."
-Keith Yellin on Switzerland

"I have a hot dog, and it's for you!"
-Hebrew National Hotdogs commercial

"what the hell is a Voron? except a Moron, missing some legs?"
-Liz

"Misanthropomorphism!? Is that even a real word? And how did you fit it into a cover letter?!?!"
-Todd France, on his vision of a cover letter

"Sure, we can explore the possibility of a new paragraph..."
-Todd France

"Rednecks need their vroom vroom!"
-Chris Pantano

"So you're saying, if you go into combat, you have a 50% chance of coming out with 2 testicles?"
-Jarriel Cook

"It's hard to believe, but some people still criticize Girls Against Boys for jumping over to a major label, and that's just not fair. The band should instead be criticized for making the worst album of its career. To its credit, Freak*on*ica is perhaps the best Filter record ever, a fact that should score the band some much-needed airplay on alternative radio."
-Joe Garden, reviewing GVSB's new album in The Onion's A.V. Club

"Bother," said Pooh, as the blackness engulfed him - for he knew he would kill again.-From "The Jekyll of Pooh" by R.L. Stevenson

"I'm an expert in all things that nature abhors"
-American Music Club, "Apology for an Accident"

"Yeah, the Amish are going to be out there [in Pennsylvania], singing, 'Hakuna Mutata'."
-Mat Lesco, on the Amish take on the Y2K problem

"No offense, Steph, but when I think of you, the 'epitome of style, grace, and couth' does not immediately spring to mind. As we have discussed before. On the other hand, if there is a way to get a shower, you'll find it."
-Mark Langsdorf

"I give people in general very little credit, but I'll go so far as to posit that the average American knows the difference between being gay and wearing buttless leather chaps."
-Ted Metzler, on the Psychoburbia mailing list

"I didn't come here tonight with the intention of biting her."
-Everett

"It's 7:30 in the morning, and what I want is a taco."
-Judy Grunberger, she who constanly craves Mexican

"It seemed like a good idea at the time...of course, the time was 6 am after getting 2 hours of sleep in my car behind a cabinet store called 'Plain and Fancy'..."
-Judy Grunberger, on advance planning

"i swear, it's like somebody put ralph wiggum into the body of a skinny goth tart."
-Everett

"Don't ask stupid questions."
-Ann Marie Hausler, in response to whether she had shoes I could borrow, or if I should wear my own shoes.

"I've gone from wanting people to love me to wanting people to pay me."
-Adam Carolla, some random Loveline from 1997 (found it on a sticky note while moving out of my dorm room, 5/22/98)

"Full bottle in front of me/Time to roll up my sleeves/And get to work/And after many glasses of work/I get pain/In the brain"
-They Might Be Giants, "Your Own Worst Enemy"

"You said that love was just a lie/But I could tell that you were lying"
-They Might Be Giants, "Pet Name"

"Wow. So if it took that long [to recover from overexerting your lungs], it's an experience you'll definitely remember for next time. Unless you really think your lungs need more exercise, which is a distinct possibility. Although it might be a bit strange to hear someone say 'Look at the lungs on her!'"
-Brian Wellington, on my lungs

"Everybody conga/I'm not fucking kidding"
-John Flansburgh, April 28, 1998

"When you look at someone, there's a 90% chance that they're an idiot."
-Brian Wellington

"In my judgment the prospect of the relationship being true is remote," said Joseph J. Ellis, author of "American Sphinx: The Character of Thomas Jefferson," last year's National Book Award winner for nonfiction. "Not because they say he was a gentleman and gentlemen do not do that sort of thing. . . . But based on six years studying Jefferson, I believe his deepest sensual urges were directed at buildings rather than women."
-Joseph J. Ellis, quoted in the Washington Post, on whether Thomas Jefferson had an affair with one of his slaves

"That's funny. I thought life was all about converting integers into strings..."
-Eric Oh

"I'd really like to see you now/In your father's combat boots/ I'd really like to be with you/Cuz we could be so dark/It's only by the grace of you/That I got this attitude/I'll show you my gratitude/When I make it through/I see the light at the end of the tunnel/Will someone please tell me it's not a train/I see the light at the end of the tunnel now/No time to speak, no time to explain"
-Cracker, "I See the Light"

"Hey, hey, it's ok/to make a little mess out of your life"
-Cracker, "This is Cracker Soul"

"No, that would be stupid. And we're already doing something stupid."
-Daria Morgendorfer (yes, MTV's Daria. Shut up)

"Now ye know what ye have to do, laddie! Burn the hoose doown!"
-Ralph Wiggim's leprechaun

"'Goddammit!' Steph thinks to herself, 'I knew I should have started this burger on the other side!'"
-Adam Aulick, on me had I not gone to college

"I've written hundreds of reviews in my career for several publications, and this is one of the few times I can remember really, really, really hating a band without a reason I can verbalize past 'This fucking sucks!' Let's not cut corners: there's a LOT to hate about Spacehog: the seeming amalgamation of bad David Bowie, '70's Eric Clapton and the worst aspects of Guns'N'Roses; the snotty condescension that oozes from the speakers, as if they had some right to be this bad; the way their music just gets under your skin and makes you want to destroy everything around you, screaming, 'Arrrrgh!' until your vocal cords are shredded wheat."
-Fritz Hahn, from the Diamondback, 4/15/1998

"Well I'm down on my knees/looking for some kind of antidote/When that moment comes/I keep one thing in mind that keeps my head afloat/What I believe/ain't always what I feel/another chance can sting like naked steel"
-Michael Penn, "Evenfall"

"I'm sorry to remind/You but I'm scared of what we're creating/This life ain't fair/You don't get something for nothing"
-Portishead, "It Could Be Sweet"

"How can I believe that everything in this world is going to be fine?/ How can I believe that everything in this world has its place in time?/When I lay down to sleep, I feel the world spin/(Slightly off axis, it's shaped like a fig)/And when I lie next to you, I shiver and shake/Tell me you love me, I dream I'm awake"
-Camper Van Beethoven, "She Divines Water"

"I make racecars out of my poop! Isn't that delightfully, wonderfully mad??!!?"
-Steve Buschemi as the Really Mad Hatter on Saturday Night Live, April 4, 1998

"That's what I need! A titanium/gold alloy nut for my tie rod end!"
-Adam Aulick, being facetious

"If I'd known what i was doing I sure as fuck wouldn't be here/ Now I like to think that I like to learn from mistakes/ But I've made that error in judgment one too many time/ And I'm not the wiser and sure not the wealthier/ I wish to God that I'd been healthier mentally/ When I decided to make up my own mind"
- Liz Phair, "One Less Thing"

Melissa J. Saywell: Guns are so impersonal.
Judy Grunberger: I will put a little flag on my minie ball that says 'From Judy, With Love.' How's *that* for personal?"
From the PsychoburbiA mailing list, on how heartless bitches kill their own

"Freecell is evil, but it feels so good when you win that I can't care."
-Mark Langsdorf

"meta quotes file... don't go there... then you get a meta-meta-quotes file, and from there its just infinite regress..."
-Brian Postow

"yeah, you see where I'm going here? a sport where a large ex-boxer tries to eat your ear while you try to swing a club to hit a small ball into a little cup? there's going to be blood on the grass one way or the other..."
-Brian Postow, on the Mike Tyson water hazard suggestion

"Somehow, I doubt that Dr. Pitts will let me change my project to 'win more than 80% of my Freecell games on a statistically significant universe.' I don't think I'll ask him, either."
-Mark Langsdorf, on completing projects required for graduating

"Oh great sage, teach me to the secrets of the omniversal narcissm!"
-Mark Langsdorf

"Now it occured to me as he drove away/ d = r x t"
-The Pixies, "Space (I Believe In)

"The day since I met her/I can't believe it's true/ she came here from Memphis/across the ocean sailing/ and I saw her and I pleaded/why do you come so far and she said/trying to get to you"
-The Pixies, "Letter to Memphis"

"I am suprised that people dont go out of their way to entertain you in the hope of feeling the joy of being quotefiled"
-Mike Liddel, playing shamelessly to my ego

"hey a neoprene fetish is nothing to be ashamed of...I have spent some of the best times of my life wrapped in a rubber suit"
-Mike Liddel, after I was talking about my beloved wetsuit

"I think I might just be seeing irony where I want to."
-Steph

"You're not a psychopath...technically."
-Judy Grunberger

"I like womens' wetsuits. They have built-in breasts."
-Jon Sushinsky

"They're liable, I'm unreliable."
-Eric Oh

"Realism is a messy and eclectic epistomology...."
-Bruce Trigger, "Archaeology and Epistomology," AJA Jan 1998

"How should I react?/These things happen to other people/They don't happen at all"
-They Might Be Giants, "She's an Angel"

"I'm alternating/Between heavy and light/Between meaning and nonsense/ And having a drink"
-Camper Van Beethoven, "The Light From A Cake"

"This state of grace is consuming me"
-New Order, "As It Is When It Was"

"I do not have a MIRV in my bookbag."
-Steph

Steph: I had a bad dream last night, but I forgot what it was about.
Keith: Was it about Keith becoming President?
Steph: No...
Keith: Was it about a vampire becoming President and demanding blood from every citizen?
Steph: ...No...
Keith: Was it about the Rockettes coming to town and trying to recruit you?
Steph: ...No...
Keith: Ok, good, then we're not having the same nightmares.

"Six o'clock in the morning, and already, the boy's not right."
-Hank Hill, King of the Hill

"Steph, it must be very entertaining to be you. I hope you realize how lucky you are."
-Mike Liddel, on seeing (again) how easily amused I am

"Am I getting quote-filed again? Oh, goody."
-Mike Liddel, on my writing down the above quote

"Steph Hausler, the woman with no name, in 'A Fistful of Omelette.'"
-Mike Liddel, getting easily amused himself

"My zipper is fucked on my knickers."
-Wayne McCullough

"Oh, are you shamrock? I sent you mail a few months ago (about the fencing club), and I got a reply from you at like 2 am. Hello."
-Son, on meeting me at fencing after I laid flat on the floor the whole evening

"Sometimes I'm thinking that I love you/But I know it's only lust"
-Gang of Four, "Damaged Goods"

"I'm doing laundry!"
-The Tick

"You suck me in/You spit me out/You say you love me/I have my doubts/You think I'll do everything for you/But I am fed up now/And we are through/I don't wanna take it anymore/I'm gonna fight back/That's for sure/Come back to me/I love you still"
-Project Pitchfork, "En Garde!"

"I've been looking for truth/At the cost of living/I've been afraid/ Of what's before mine eyes/Every answer found/Begs another question/ The further you go, the less you know/The less I know"
-James, "Five-O"

"We were not born in isolation/But sometimes it seems that way"
-Gang of Four, "We Live As We Dream, Alone"

"We live as we dream, alone/The space between our work and its product"
-Gang of Four, "We Live As We Dream, Alone" (and, um, Joseph Conrad. heh)

"One beer is as good as twenty sandwiches."
-Roald Dahl, "Claud's Dog"

"When all is calm, you are confused; when all is in confusion, you are calm. In a situation requiring all your coolness, you are on fire; in one requiring all your ardor, you are cool. When there is need for you to be silent, you are uproarious; when you should speak, you grow mute. Present, you wish to be absent; absent, you are eager to return."
-from ad Herennium, trans. Harry Caplan (1981)

"What it really comes down to, is there's no good time to go to work."
-Eric Oh

"They aren't really goth/industrial. They keep bumping into one another when they're dancing."
-Cathy Inskeep

"I assure you, Judy, you have just not eaten a hot dog."
-Adam Aulick

"Noooo! Don't touch my ears! You haven't washed your hands!"
-Judy Grunberger

"Love will get you like a case of anthrax"
-Gang of Four, "Anthrax"

"You took to me/Like an axe takes to a tree"
-Liquorice/Franklin Bruno, "Keeping the Weekend Free"

"Maybe she didn't mean what we thought she meant when she said my waffles would be right out. Maybe what she meant was that my waffles would be Right Out, as in, that's Right Out."
-Todd France, on his waffles

"The silence, the terror, the pain, the horror/As your mom comes downstairs"
-Barenaked Ladies, intro to "Enid"

"Yes, dear, I love you/But sometimes I think that love's not enough for you/So you want to play mind games, well, that's fine, go ahead/ la la la, I can't hear you"
-Barenaked Ladies, "Blame It On Me"

"Here we are again/And we're looking at each other as if each other are to blame/You think you're so smart/But I've seen you naked/And I'll probably see you naked again"
-Barenaked Ladies, "Blame It On Me"

"If all else fails, you can blame it on me"
-Barenaked Ladies, "Blame It On Me"

"Your sanctimony is showing, my dear"
-Afghan Whigs, "Blame, Etc"

"Ok, now you guys have to be quiet, and I'll assume my cat-pose so that I can be ready to give instant assistance to anyone who comes here needing help."
-Eric Oh, working technical support

"The Clicker (tm) is ideal for those who have difficulty clapping."
-ad copy for The Clicker (tm) in the ChiaRiffic Sourcebook for the Chia Connoisseur (comes with Chia Pet)

"If you do much driving on our nation's highways, you've probably noticed that, more and more often, bullets are coming through your windshield."
-Dave Barry, on road rage (2/8/98)

"Well, isn't that cute? BUT IT'S WRONG!!"
-Guy on Two Stupid Dogs

"Pray tell what has offended the fair (or at least the mildly unobjectionable) Steph?"
-Jason Floyd

Adam's answering machine: One, two, three, ten.
Adam: You can't count for shit!
-Adam Aulick, on answering machine intelligence

"No, maybe I better not say that, cuz I don't want him thinking he's my bitch."
-Steph

"I'm not sure I want to think about the things I think about."
-Judy Grunberger, on metacognition

"It's a wonder/If I'm hanging around here much longer/In this small-minded big mouthed well-read but half dead government town"
-Tsunami, "Match"

"If you could see drunk on the horizon, I would be behind it, giving it rabbit ears."
-Greg Seidman, on exactly how drunk he was

"He said to think long term investment and/that all the others had forgiven themselves/he said the net reward would justify/ the colossal mess they'd made of their lives"
-They Might Be Giants, "Hey, Mr. DJ, I Thought You Said We Had a Deal"

"Out of college, money spent/see no future, pay no rent/all the money's gone, nowhere to go"
-The Beatles, "You Never Give Me Your Money"
cheery! a little too close to home! ho-hum

"Beef jerky does not present a unified front."
-Steph

"I'm a writer, and I drink blood. It's such a Californian, like, 'That's my lifestyle' kind of thing."
-words of a participant in San Francisco's "blood scene," quoted by Chuck Shepherd and Jim Sweeney in News of the Weird, 1/9/98

"Blood is still a medium that hasn't reached saturation level yet. When it does, I'm ready to come in with pus! Squeezing pus!"
-words of a participant in San Francisco's "blood scene", quoted by Chuck Shepherd and Jim Sweeney in New of the Weird, 1/9/98

"That girl...no concept...of....anything."
-am

"The Germans are victorious!"
'Now that's not something you hear every day.'
-Attack From Mars (pinball game) and Steph

"Welcome to our nightmare, Alice!"
-Zorak (to Alice Cooper), Space Ghost Coast to Coast

"An object at rest cannot be stopped!"
-The Evil Midnight Bomber What Bombs at Midnight (The Tick vs. The Tick)

"What day is it? Will you please tell me?"
-Brak, "What Day Is It?"

"Maybe it's tomorrow, and maybe it's not
Maybe it's yesterday--I just forgot!"
-Brak, "What Day Is It?"

"I never realized that you wrote poetry/I never realized you wrote such bloody awful poetry"
-The Smiths

"I've been around. Well, I haven't been around, but I've been...nearby."
-Mary Richards (Mary Tyler Moore), The Mary Tyler Moore Show

"Please, somebody, tear my pants off!"
-Penn State Scuba student (referring to wetsuit pants)

"Deltas smack of numbers."
-Brian Postow

"I'm going to die/if you touch me one more time...well, I guess that I'm going to die, no matter what"
-They Might Be Giants, "I've Got a Match"

"Oh, God, has she forgot me?"
'I think she has....!'
-The Flaming Lips, "Pilot Can at the Queer of God"

"My body hates me. It's trying to pull itself away from my head."
-Dawn Lilenfeld

"It's all a blueprint/It must be easy/It's just a matter of knowing when to say no or yes"
-Fugazi, "Blueprint"

"Maybe together, we can wipe that smile off your face"
-Fugazi, "Blueprint"

"classes suck. school sucks. work sucks. dad sucks. how are you?"
-am (Ann Marie Hausler)

"Quayle in '98!"
-Keith Yellin

"Wired? Eyeah, you're wired."
-James Earl Jones in a Bell Atlantic ad, circa 1996(?)

"Why don't you come to my house/Why don't you drag me right out/ past all the shit that I said I'm saying/Why don't you cut up my mouth/And I don't care what you use"
-Fugazi, "Rend it"

"Crush my calm you Cassavetes/I was sitting tight so quiet quiet/ in the dark till the lights came up/my heart beating like a riot riot"
-Fugazi, "Cassavetes"

"We need to know value/we need to place value/ in case it all comes true/could it be loss could weigh?"
-Fugazi, "Instument"
(ok, what have I been listening to...?)

"If we had been paid, I wouldn't feel so bad."
-Judy Grunberger

"It's a bad mean cruel world."
-James Lowe

"I heard they were dismemebering people down the street--those Jonses! you gotta love 'em!"
-nomeansno, "Everyday I start to ooze"

"A bold plan drawn up by assholes to screw morons/News at eleven"
-nomeansno, "Everyday I start to ooze"

"You've caught me at a bad time/So why don't you piss off"
-New Order, "Your Silent Face"

"I think I preferred you, granddaughter, when you were stoically complaining about not feeling anything."
-Desire, Sandman # 65

"Who's laughing now? WHO'S LAUGHING NOW??!!"
-Ashe, Evil Dead II

"Well, they said if I burned myself alive, that you would take me back"
-The Beautiful South

"It smells like snorkel back here!"
-Jason Floyd

"Oh, great, now it will smell like snorkle up here!"
>-Mike Liddel

"It's ALWAYS September on the 'net now."
-Elf Sternberg

"I have had a drink epiphany."
-Randy Paffenroth

"You know, I seem to be more buoyant than I thought I was."
'Most people are.'
-Steph Hausler and Mike Liddel

"Feeling buoyant this morning, Steve?"
-Mike Liddel

"Oh my God, the President's flying in--we gotta paint the grass!"
-James Lowe, quoting Air Force Offcials at Andrews AFB

"I was going to bring you flowers, but I didn't/It's the thought that counts, and I think I'm a bit too broke"
-Cracker, "Mr. Wrong"

"I'm going to dress up as Daria for Halloween."
'How will anyone know?'
-Steph Hausler and Todd France

"So you were walking that fine line between flirting and sexual harrassment?"
-Brian Postow, to Randy

"So, did you do her?"
-Randy Paffenroth

"He looks at you the way a starving man looks at a packet of peanuts--like he can't wait to get the wrapper off and taste the salty goodness!"
-Kryten, Red Dwarf, Season VII

"You know how little volition I had on Tuesday? Well, I have even less today."
-Mike Liddel

"You can't always get what you want/but if you try sometimes, you just may find/You get what you need"
-Rolling Stones

"And I'm going to tell my son to keep his money in his mattress and his watch on any hand between his thighs"
-Liz Phair, "Whip-Smart"

"Life is grand/And I say this at the risk of falling from favor/With those of you/Who have appointed yourself/to expect us to say something darker"
-Camper Van Beethoven, "Life is Grand"

"Did she ever whisper in his ear/All her favorite fruit?/And all the most exotic places/they are cultivated?"
-Camper Van Beethoven, "All Her Favorite Fruit"

"Now all I have to offer you/Is archaeology and Christmas"
-American Music Club, "Can You Help Me?"

"When I spend too much time alone, I get afraid/Afraid that you might leave me/breathing"
-American Music Club

"Believe me if you can"
-American Music Club

"Somewhere along the line, I lost my nerve"
-American Music Club, "If I Had a Hammer"

"Forget me, forget me, I pray to the day/Tired of being stuck on a pin/Forget me, forget me, don't see me this way: Jumping out of my skin, jumping out of my skin"
-American Music Club, "Dallas, Airports, Bodybags"

"There's so little love left in my heart/For anyone, for anyone"
-American Music Club, "Keep Me Around"

"I've been praying a lot lately/It's because I no longer have a tv"
-American Music Club, "Apology for an Accident"

"Together, we make the perfect woman."
'Together, we make the perfect political prisoner: I'm self-righteous and you don't eat."
-Uma Thurman and Janeane Garofalo, The Truth About Cats and Dogs

"Hitler ate sugar."
-kid on Daria

"Do you sometimes lust/For the grace that others have inside/The simple peace they make with life?"
-Cracker, "I Saw the Light"

"He told them what he saw--truth and beauty
Fornicating on the public lawn. Everone frowned
As they sometimes will in Baltimore."
-Norman Dubie, "Jeremiad"

"I knew a guy/Who drives a truck/He can't tell time/But he sure can...drive"
-Julie Brown, "I Like 'Em Big and Stupid"

"I can offer you lies, I can tell you goodbye/I can tell you I'm sorry, but I can't tell the truth, dear."
-Barenaked Ladies, "Shoebox"

"8:00 am -- Get up, kick ass. Well, sweetie, I'm already one step ahead."
- Edina, "Absolutely Fabulous"

"This is our Zweifacher about incest and trains"
-FSK

"That radiation half lobotomized me!"
-Brak

"How many are there of you?"
-Throwing Muses

"There's only two things in life, but I forget what they are."
-John Hiatt

"Everybody dies frustrated and sad and that is beautiful"
-They Might Be Giants, "Don't Let's Start"

"Oh well, whatever, nevermind"
-Nirvana

"Steph has gone to Happy Chef"
-Brian T. Postow

"Brian has gone to Happy Chef"
-Steph

"The two rules of Edge are: First: The bear must be visible; Second: The bear cannot be permanantly damaged"
-Todd France

"Thump."
-Greg Seidman

"Makes my head hurt!"
-Brak

"Women--Can't live with 'em...and yet they're everywhere"
-Third Rock From the Sun

"We can play that song a lot better, only not tonight."
- John Linnell

"Hey, hang on, crack wants to say hi!"
-Radio commercial

"Don't you want to go down/Like a junkie Cosmonaut?"
-Cracker, "Low"

"She was looking like an erotic vulture"
-The Pixies, "The Sad Punk"

"You can give yourself a heart attack--but it's not recommended"
-Greg Seidman

"There's a dead man in your heart/And I know just what he's called"
-Robin Hitchcock

"Here I am, the game warden of love"
-Cracker, "Don't Fuck Me Up With Peace and Love"

"Once you've left a lonely rage on its own/It grows"
-Liz Phair

"Well, look at me, I'm frightening, my friends"
-Liz Phair

"I was getting drunk in your room/because I wanted to throw my weight around"
-Liz Phair

"I see the light at the end of the tunnel/Someone please tell me/That it's not a train"
-Cracker, "I See the Light"

"RuPaulohmigod"
-Greg Seidman

"Misunderstand me....Hey, Miss, understand me"
-Too Much Joy, "Crush Story"

"I try not to get involved in my own life."
-Michael Garibaldi

"In that case, we are all going to die horrible, painful, lingering deaths."
-Ivanova

"...And that's when I shot him, your Honor."
-Franklin, B5

"I'm a rambling idiot."
-Brak

"Was that a parable, or a very subtle joke?"
-Crash Test Dummies, "God Shuffled His Feet"

"A stubborn heart can stay broken/Forever"
-American Music Club, "Fearless"

"That is not what I meant at all.
That is not it, at all."
-T.S.Eliot

"I don't have a subconscious; I have a kernel."
-Greg Seidman

"Cat: abase thyself."
-Judy Grunberger

"Fuck romance! Fuck romance!"
-drunk guy outside of Mongomery Hall, 2 am

"I have no secrets, I have no lies, I have nothing to offer but the middle of the night/And I think you need a little poison"
-Throwing Muses

"I start at his knees/and I'll end in his dreams."
-Throwing Muses

"If I seem a little scared to you/It's just because I haven't lived my life well."
-Tsunami

"Don't these look like good, strong hands?"
-Stone Giant, The Never-Ending Story

"Nothing makes Steph happy."
-Todd France

"How did I know you were an optimist? You're always disappointed."
-Todd France

"A little too much irony for you to sleep in her bed, eh, Steph?"
-Brian T. Postow

"You know what this place needs? Wolves."
-Todd France

"Olive tasting and Espresso bar"
-Sign in Northern California

"Internet access and NO KARIOKE"
-Pizza place outside of Corvallis, OR

"Land squid!"
-Brian T. Postow

"What we're having is a pepperoni conversation, here."
-Steph

"I've got 70,000 signatures demanding you go home with me tonight"
-The Bobs

"Taste me, taste me--I'm organic!"
-The Bobs

"Where the hell is Grinnell? Who the hell cares?!"
-t-shirt

"Grinnell does not have a groovy library."
-Brian T. Postow

"It don't rain underwater/It don't rain inside my heart"
-Throwing Muses

"Have you tried the new aerosol cheese? It's cheesariffic."
-Zorak

"Cannot say. Saying I would know. Do not know, so can not say. Very damaged. Zathras can never have anything nice."

"Yes, yes, Zathras is used to being beast of burden to other people's needs. Very sad life. Probably have very sad death, but at least there is symmetry. Go, go, Zathras take care."

"No one ever listens to Zathras. Quite mad they say. It is good that Zathras does not mind. He's even grown to like it. Oh yes."

"Can not run out of time, there is infinite time. You are finite, Zathras is finite. This is wrong tool. No. No. Not good. No. No. Never use this."

"Nice shark...pretty shark..."
- Londo, "The Gathering"

"20 years from now, one of us will be older and wiser. Or one of us will be dead. Who's to say? Me...I need another drink."
- Londo, "Midnight on the Firing Line"

"Perhaps tomorrow we can start out on better terms."
'I very much doubt it.'
- Talia Winters and Ivanova, "Midnight on the Firing Line"

"The Council can go to hell. The emergency session can go to hell. And you, you can go to hell too. I wouldn't want you to feel left out!"
- Londo (to Vir), "Midnight on the Firing Line"

"The last time I gave an interview, they told me to just relax and say what I really felt. Ten minutes after the broadcast, I got transferred to an outpost so far off the starmap, you couldn't find it with a hunting dog and a Ouiji board."
- Sinclair, "Infection"

"He has become one with his inner self!"
'He passed out.'
"That too."
- Vir and Garibaldi (re: Londo), "The Parliament of Dreams"

"I don't mean to alarm you, but your pants are talking to you."
'I know. I was just, uh...'
"Yes, you're a very busy man. Well, I'll let you and your pants get back to business and I'll get back to mine."
- Catherine Sakai and Sinclair, "The Parliament of Dreams"

"Don't touch me unless you mean it!"
- Catherine Sakai (to Sinclair), "The Parliament of Dreams"

"That's a lie."
'Yes, it is. What's your point?'
- Bester and Sinclair, "Mind War"

"I'm waiting...for an apology."
'You'd better check the temperature in Hell first.'
- Dr. Franklin and Sinclair, "Believers"

"I didn't know you cared."
'Personally, I don't.'
- Garibaldi and G'Kar, "Survivors"

"The Universe is run by the complex interweaving of three elements: energy, matter and enlightened self-interest."
- G'Kar, "Survivors"

"Why does my mouth always taste like old carpet in the morning?"
'Unknown. Checking medical logs.'
- Ivanova and her wake-up computer, "Signs and Portents"

"Sleeping is not the problem. Waking up - that is a problem."
- Ivanova, "Signs and Portents"

"I've always had a hard time getting up when it's dark outside."
'But in space, it's always dark.'
"I know. I know."
- Ivanova and Sinclair, "Signs and Portents"

"You know, you're demented."
- Garibaldi, "TKO"

"They say food digests better if you chew it first."
'Don't talk. I've seen you eat. Does the term Doppler effect ring a bell?'
- Sinclair and Garibaldi, "Grail"

"This doesn't worry you in the slightest?"
'On the contrary - it scares the hell out of me, but what better way to go out than in the cause of advancing scientific knowledge?'
"Is this a multiple choice question? 'Cause I have some ideas..."
- Ivanova and Dr. Tasaki, "A Voice in the Wilderness I"

"Water. Fascinating. I never touch the stuff myself."
- Londo, "A Voice in the Wilderness I"

"The next day, I woke up. I saw her in the light of day, sleeping against my arm and I decided I would rather chew off my arm than wake her up."
'Ohhh, that's sweet.'
"Nooo, nooo. She had a voice that could curdle fresh milk. 'Londooo!' 'Yes, dear?' 'Londo!' 'Coming, my darling. I'll be right there, my love bug.'"
- Londo and Garibaldi, "A Voice in the Wilderness I"

"Nothing personal, but you look like hell."
- Garibaldi (to Ivanova), "Babylon Squared"

"This is like being nibbled to death by...um...pah... What are those Earth creatures called? Feathers, long bill, webbed feet, go `quack`."
'Cats.'
- Londo and Vir, "Chrysalis"

"As far as I'm concerned, the transports can wait until the sun explodes. And if you're not happy with the seating arrangements, I will personally order your seats moved outside, down the hall, across the station, and into the fusion reactor. Am I absolutely, perfectly clear on this?"
- Ivanova, "Points of Departure"

"I can only conclude that I'm paying off karma at a vastly accelerated rate."
- Ivanova, "Points of Departure"

"Ambassador Delenn remains indisposed."
'Indisposed? She's in a cocoon.'
"Yes."
- Lennier and Londo, "Revelations"

"You, with the hair."
'Oh, jeez.'
- Amis and Londo, "The Long Dark"

"Once I saw a chorus line of purple wombats doing show tunes in my bathtub. Course I was pretty drunk at the time."
-Chief Garibaldi

"You got a plan?"
'Let's try not to get killed.'
"Brilliant."
- Ivanova and Sheridan, "The Long Dark"

"You know him?"
'Only in the most unpleasant sense. I was married to him.'
- Garibaldi and Talia Winters (re: Matthew Stoner), "Soul Mates"

"I won't bite, Vir."
'With all due respect, madam. That's not what I've heard.'
"Alright, that *one* time."
'It was...it was twice.'
- Timov and Vir, "Soul Mates"

"Daggair! My, what a surprise."
'A pleasant one?'
"I wouldn't go that far."
- Timov and Daggair, "Soul Mates"

"Timov, Timov. Why do you always try to draw me into your little verbal fencing matches?"
'Because I don't have a real sword handy.'
- Daggair and Timov, "Soul Mates"

"Where have you been?"
'Affairs of State, my dear.'
"State of inebriation I'd wager."
- Timov and Londo, "Soul Mates"

"The secret of our marriage's success, Londo, is our lack of communication."
- Timov, "Soul Mates"

"They're merely expressing their feelings for me."
'I can do that." [Timov slaps Londo]
- Londo and Timov, "Soul Mates"

THE PSI CORPS IS YOUR FRIEND. TRUST THE CORPS.
- "And Now For A Word"

"I prefer to be only slightly insane."
'Don't we all.'
- Sheridan and Garibaldi, "Knives"

"I'll be in the car"
-Ivanova

"So many fishies left in the sea
So many fishies, but no one for me...."
-G'Kar sings

"I like you--you're trouble."
'Well, thank you. It's the nicest thing anyone's said about me in days."
-Draal and Ivanova, "Voices of Authority"

"Well, I'm sure I'd feel much worse if I weren't under such heavy sedation."
-Spinal Tap

"Would you buy furnature at a store called 'Unpainted Huffhein's'?"
-Nathan Arizona, "Raising Arizona"

"I bent my Wookie."
-Ralph Wiggum

"What's a diorama?"
-Ralph Wiggum

"All the people are so happy now/Their heads are caving in"
-They Might Be Giants

"I found out she's an angel/I don't think she knows I know/I'm worried that something may happen to me/If anyone ever finds out"
-They Might Be Giants

"Why can't I feel the things I'm supposed to"
-ruby

"I'm a little bored and a little scared"
-Throwing Muses

"Lady, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave the store."
-Ashe, "Army of Darkness"

"I have to go to the bathroom."
'I know what you mean.'
-Little girl and Brisco County, Jr.

"What are those notches on your bedpost?"
'Oh, those are just...scratches from shipping.'
-Brisco County, Jr

"You're a giant, flying friction blast"
-Liz Phair

"Smoke me a kipper; I'll be back for breakfast."
-Ace, Red Dwarf: "Dimension Jump"

"It's no secret that a conscience can sometimes be a pest
It's no secret ambition bites the nails of success
Every artist is a cannibal, every poet is a thief"
-U2

"What was that you were watching?"
'"Death, Death, Death.....Part Two"'
-Brainscan

"You can't fight evil with a macaroni duck!!!"
-Arthur, The Tick

"I am *NOT* a Merry Man!"
-Worf, in "Q-pid" (ST:TNG)

"I did it! I conquered your love with my hate!"
-Secret Squirrel

"Dry hair is for squids."
-Jack Deth

"Cut me some slack, Jack!"
-Barbara Billingsly, Airplane!

"Excuse me, stewardess, I speak Jive."
-Barbara Billingsly, Airplane!

"Mee-row"
-The Prodigy, "Charly"

"All right, brain, you don't like me and I don't like you. But let's just do this and I can get back to killing you with beer."
-Homer Simpson

"Hearts cannot be broken
They're small, squishy things"
-Judybats

"So you'd like to save the world/I suggest you take one person at a time/And start with me."
-Lloyd Cole

"So you'd like to save my world/Free my inner child/And I can free your inhibitions, baby."
-Lloyd Cole

"At least my head is legal postage."
-Brian Wellington

"In my heart I know you're right, but my perfectly functioning brain says you're a horse's ass."
-Bob Elliott

"Every time I move my arm, it costs Cartoon Network 42 bucks."
- Zorak, SGC2C

"The thing is, it wouldn't be kinda smutty. It would be really smutty"
-Wayne McCullough

"I told you I'd shoot! But you didn't believe me! Why didn't you believe me?"
-Stinky Whizzleteats

"She has the body of a woman. She has the power to bewitch."
-Lords of Acid

"Ramidia! Damuu!"
-Candice Hamilton

"Der Tientenfisch regiert nicht auf dem Gedankenkontrollen!"
-Mike the Mike the First

"What is the terminal velocity of a cat?"
-Wayne McCullough

"Just because it's all the same color doesn't mean it matches."
-Steph

"Every angel is terrifying."
-Rilke

"This represents love. This represents spirituality. Some guy painted this with his butt!"
-Randy Paffenroth

"Here is the Sex Kitten logo."
-Matias Duarte

"You could make Josh and his little girl bow before your might."
-Paul Good

"They aren't normal. They are just strange in uninteresting ways."
-Steph

"Oh, Baby, no one can make a donut do the things you do."
-Brak, "Mashed Potatoes"

"I used to be insane. Now I'm just stupid."
-Brak

"I'll let you see under my mask."
-Space Ghost

"That nanny needs a losenge."
-Zorak

"Down on the floor, you bitch, you spacy slut!"
-Lords of Acid

"Give me what you got, Earth Man."
-Lords of Acid

"SPAM: Shit, Pork, All Mixed.
Is there anything more gross?
Vienna Sausage."

"Don't look at me sideways. Don't even look me straight on."
-Liz Phair, "Never Said Nothing"

"Why do axe murderers only attack when we're partially nude/Or taking a bath?"
-Camper Van Beethoven, "The Axe Murderer Song"

"And have you ever wanted something so badly
that it possessed your body & soul
through the night & through the day
until you finally get it!
And then you realise that it wasn't what you wanted after all."
-The The

"Here they come!/The dogs of lust"
-The The

"Could God really be so cruel? To give us feelings that could never be fulfilled."
-The The

"Why can't love ever touch my heart like fear does?"
-The The

"Baby, if I inflict the pain, only I can comfort you."
-The Afghan Whigs

"Out of the night we come/Into the night we go."
-The Afghan Whigs

"You think I'm scared of girls/Well, maybe, but I'm not afraid of you."
-The Afghan Whigs

"Understand? Do you understand? I'm a gentleman."
-The Afghan Whigs

"I came home early/Drunk with love and other things."
-The Afghan Whigs

"All messed up but nowhere to go."
-The Afghan Whigs

"I came back twice/So now I'm the Anti-Christ"
-Aimee Mann

"... cooking for someone can be as intimate, or as traumatic, as having sex with them."
-alt.sex FAQ

"0110 011"
-Monks of Doom, "Virtual Lover"

"Funny how quick the milk turns sour, isn't it?"
-The Beautiful South, "A Little Time"

"So when you look into these eyes, I hope you realize they could never be blue."
-The Beautiful South, "Old Red Eyes Is Back"

"Charlotte! We're Jewish."
-Mermaids

"Schwarma"
-Menu

'The first ten million years were the worst', said Marvin,
'and the second ten million years, they were the worst too.
The third ten million years I didn't enjoy at all.
After that I went into a bit of a decline.'
-Douglas Adams

"That's sweet/The conversation we had last week/When you gagged and bound me to my seat/I kept it all in."
-The Beautiful South, "You Keep it all In"

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