Ugh.
Oh, yeah. Ohhhhhhhh, yeah.
(Ok, that's not all I had to say, really) I'm so ... happy with everything
my family got me for Christmas, I want to send a Thank you note. Which
feels kind of weird . But still.
Anyway.
I need to get more sleep. Preferably without dreaming of crashing up someone else's c ar. My car being out of commision. Gah. Dahm. It.
But anyway, I keep waking up during the night. Suck. Sleeping horribly. I wish I'd st ayed home today, since it's all grey and rainy out. But. It's not like I am sick. Bleh.
(2:53 pm)
I remembered this afternoon that I have a dentist's appointment. And that
I've been
drinking coffe and stink like coffee. Pfew. And that I don't have a
toothbrush....eep
!
(11:35 am)
Go here. Go now.
(I meant to mention this a while ago...)
(11:13 am)
Crack crack crackity crack-crack
I haven't been thinking much. I've been, in fact, rather incoherent.
I blame it on the electrowaves from my telephone headset.
TINFOIL HAT!!
The one where the guy is saying something like:
When I see Stacy get all buttoned up in that fleece from Sunny's Surplus, decked out in head to toe in warm soft fleece, I sit up and say, "Yes, Ma'am!"
All I have to say is, I like it. I have to get that "Yes, Ma'am!" for a
system beep, I say.
But. At the same time. Anyone who gets that excited about fleece...kinda
worries me.<
P>
I've been feeling really disconnected all weekend. I mean, the X-Files are
on now, for Christ's sake. Because I haven't bothered to turn it off. I
didn't actually realize it was on.
Now that I notice it's on, and am listening...Wow, that was bad. Whee-ew.
Earlier, driving back from Elkton (the Restored-Car Capitol of MD) with
Adam, something made me comment that it really pissed me off. Adam said,
"That's not a short list, there." But I guess it was ok, since it was
A) True
B) I had indeed gotten really pissed off at him earlier that day.
Heh. Heh-heh.
That, or I've been hearing way too fucking much about the president and his goddamn d ick.
(3:54 pm)
GodDAMN I'm in a horrible fucking mood today.
And not being able to use vi isn't helping, I tell you.
(3:48 pm)
Shooting spree.
(7:20 am)
I'm wondering if all of the diet soda cans in my desk drawer are keeping
the bugs away from my cube. It's either that, or that I don't keep empty
pizza boxes on my desk for a week.
*ahem*
On an unrelated note, I still am hitting escape whenever I want to go into command mode and 'i' when I want to insert text, even though I'm using Pico because vi is reading my html files as html and displaying them as, say, lynx would, rather than in just plain text, which makes it really hard to edit the tags....gah.
(7:15 am)
I saw this commercial on TNT (mmm the best movie studio on tv!) for a
movie about the CSS Hunley (well, it was for a movie about the attack
of the Hunley on the Housetonic). Anyway, this is a fairly strange thing
for me to be thinking about at 7:15 in the morning.
Mmmm. Dire Straits.
(9:45 am)
Just took the Myers-Briggs Personality indicator test again...and again
am I an INTJ. I told you I was bored....
(7:14 am)
Actually listening to CDs at work today...Seeing as how there are only
5 people here).
Based on the reaction to my musical selection this morning, it seems that no one working today really likes Bad Religion. Hm. I have to say that I like Bad Religion a lot better at 7 am.
Also, I have to say that I much appreciate orange juice with calcium.
Hoooyeah.
I was dreaming that I'd bought a powder blue convertible Karman Ghia
with white vinyl seats. Damn cat. Driving a Ghia....oooh.
Also accompanied the Judy to CarMax in search of a pickup truck...
idly asked if they had any Saabs, mostly just to price them.
They HAD NO SAABS! <*shudder*>
The guy tried to show me on this little computer digial camera piccie car spec thing Accuras (ugh)...and AND he kept getting "Saab" mixed up with "Audi"...crackhead. Let's see. "Saaaaaaaaab"...."Ow-deee"
Crack-o crakety crack. I say.
That is all.
ahem.
Wearing my boots today. They are all ... er ... something. They need perhaps...to be treated in some way.
Regardless, I'm busy. AUGH!
That is all.
Been having weird weird dreams. Yesterday, I tried to take a nap in
the afternoon. This never works. First, I couldn't fall asleep. Try
try try (put your back into it!) to fall asleep, finally do.
Am rewarded with a disconcerting dream. I dream that I am part of some
large, disturbing conspiracy, but that I don't know all of what is going
on, or even how I am involved, really. I just keep seeing people that I
recognize are part of the conspiracy, but don't know what I should do,
or even if I'm doing my part correctly. Or what the end goal of the
whole thing was.
Then this morning, I had a dream about showering. In very disgusting, icky showers.
Personally, I'd rather dream more about sex.
It's very interesting what happens when I wear my glasses. Last night, I went out to buy a few things. One of the things I went out to buy was something one needs to be a certain age to buy. I am wondering if I got asked for proof of age because I was wearing my glasses. Hrm.
I also had some dude working the counter at a gas station Saturday come on to me. What is up with that? I mean, really. No, sir, I'd like to buy my soda and get back in my car. Goodbye, now.
I wonder from time to time about whether to be somewhat offended when someone compliments me on how I look, take it as objectification. Of course, then I think that is horribly stupid, and something of a horrible effect of ambient PC-ishness. But at the same time. I unquestionably get treated differently now (without glasses) than when I had glasses. Ponder ponder.
Uh-oh, thought I.
"Nnnnnnooooooooooooo...." said I.
"What is the natural color of your hair?" was the question.
Whew. I was so glad it was one of the easy questions.
Also: legs finally beginning to peel. Yahoo.
Also, I am going to dye my hair blue again. It's been building up for a few years (since I last did it). This time I think I'm going to even bleach first...heh. Steph blonde. bwahahahahah. Contemplate that.
Ok, this is wayyyy too funny:
mwahahaha.
Oh, also: sometime last week, Camper Van Beethoven was featured as the
answer to one of the questions on Jeapordy! It was pretty cool.
Though the song they played is not my favorite CVB song. Oh well.
(They played "Take the Skinheads Bowling")
(11 am)
It's very odd. Something which I usually care a great deal about, I
really just ... don't...care about today. I'm missing a lot of things,
and it is just striking me as, "oh. hey. oh well, missed that." As
opposed to say, being frustrating or well, affecting me in any way at
all.
Feeling disassociated. My big excitement so far has been going and
getting
an iced tea from the vending machine. Under the cap, it said, "Catcher,"
which means obviously, the soda machine is not being very observant or
insightful today, either. I mean, it was so clear: I wanted a cap that
said "free Brisk" on the underside. Nothing like free beverage, I
say.
But, so, yeah. It's been a strange day. I am overly concerned about some
things, and utterly unconcerned about other things. When it should
maybe be different.
Like I care.
heh.
(12:07)
Lunch will be:
Orange juice, bagel, something to spread on bagel.
Ta da!
Unless I can think of something better. Or any of those desirables are
not available...hrm.
(11:55 am)
Random, unfocused thoughts.
Like...
(10am)
While driving to work today, I was thinking. Thinking that of late
(including yesterday's thought) I have been a big social goober. An
in-joke making, loud-talking, foot-eating buffoon. HEY HEY EVERYBODY
WHAT'S GOIN ON HEYYYYYYY Brak-style goof. (Self-conscious? me? heh)
Dang.
I'd like to write it off to unfocused anxiety doing weird things to my
personality, but I don't think that will get me anywhere. Hm. And it
won't fix it. So. Will just calm down and see where that gets me...
Indeedy.
And remember, just because your eye teeth are the pointiest, this does not mean they are the sharpest...
Steph's Thought of the Day.
I'm off like a shot I'm out of your reach
My self-importance, my mind numbing haze
No I don't want to know about my life
No I don't want to know what I'm thinking or feeling
Ignorance is bliss but babe we won't stay that way
We'll escape heaven somehow down in LA
I can make the future easier to predict
hot as a devil cold as an addict
People usually just make me tired
The plague of always deserving something better
God save me from the rewards I deserve
The one for giving up hope the one for the love that I serve
If I opened my heart then you'd be washed away
Down the bone-dry rivers that drain LA
My nights are all sleepless so all through my day
I like to take shades of weariness down to LA
-American Music Club, "In the Shadow of the Valley"
Can't. Stop. Listening. To. American Music Club. Dammit.
Yes, yes indeedy.
AND! I need to find a freekin dress. Dammit. The way, way groovy jumper (I guess that's what it is) was too short for me. DAMN MY LONG TORSO! I sold it to Adam, who replied when asked if the thing fit his girlfriend Cathy (who is 5'2"), "Oh, comma, boy, comma, did she ever, comma, exclamation point!" So I'm guessing it looks good. ARGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGH!!!!!!!!!!! I say.
One last cheery thought:
The revolving door, I'm stuck in it, my love
Your cold cold heart that never opens and never tires
What chance do I have?
Your meteor shower, my love
Did you want to wish on some lucky star
Or did you just want to watch them fall and burn out?
What chance do I have?
Your disappearing act my love
That's an old standby and I just want your touch
To never tire
What chance do I have?
-American Music Club, "The Revolving Door"
Man, I like that band.
An agony waiting for someone to tell you to shut up. Indeed.
Also, it's kinda spooky that I can pull off the Catholic Schoolgirl look better now than I could when I was a Catholic schoolgirl... Heh heh heh.
(11am)
From
"What
A Good Boy," Barenaked Ladies:
I go to school, I write exams
If I pass, if I fail, if I drop out, does anyone give a damn?
And if they do, they'll soon forget
'Cause it won't take much for me to show that my life ain't over yet
I wake up scared, I wake up strange
I wake up wondering if anything in my life is ever going to change
I wake up scared, I wake up strange
And everything around me stays the same
I couldn't tell you that I was wrong
Chickened out, grabbed a pen and paper, sat down and I wrote this
song
I couldn't tell you that you were right
So instead I looked in the mirror watched tv laid awake all night
(10:30am)
And, apparently, Daria was even more eerily like my life
than usual this past Monday. Good God. Two thoughts: 1) I need to
see that episode. 2) I don't know whether this means my life is
more normal than I thought, or less. Good gravy.
(10am)
PC Compatibility Card
You can have it all: Run MS-DOS and Windows on your easy-to-use
Mac.
Ummmmm. MS-DOS? Windows? How is that having it all?
I'm just thinking that for someone who is so universally seen as/ faulted for being always depressed, I'm sure having a hard time doing that (hopefully) cathartic breaking down and crying thing.
I want the endorphin (or whatever) rush, but not enough to do the alternative of running for an hour or so. Damn.
Thinking thinking thinkety think think.
And, good christ, yesterday was weird. I mean, Whoa buddy weird.
People. Doing what they want to do. Shaving their heads. Things. Stuff. You know. Me, I'm just going to do things and stuff. I woke up not alarmed. I knew where I was at first. And almost immediately, I felt nothing. I can feel it in my bones, I'm going to go to work and do work. Blah de blah de blah blah. (Also, I need more freekin coffee...)
Ok, I might officially be in a bad mood today, but I can't really tell. Frrrreaky.
I'm beginning to suspect that May is Just Not My Month. Heh.
and also
"Out on the wiley, windy moors
Ok, except the Wuthering Heights reference makes me think of the
Monty Python skit with Wuthering Heights by Semiphore...
Also, the "Oh to Be In Love" I misheard, I thought it was
"I find it hard to face my face", which was interesting: the
idea of, say, seeing yourself reflected in someone else's eye,
which is kind of weird, especially if ahem "It's
terribly vague, what's gone before". And all.
(3:25 pm)
Um. Excuse me. I will lay on the floor again. Thank you.
(10 am)
I mean this both figuratively and literally...
Also. I seem to have developed over the weekend the crease between
my eyebrows that I have been expecting (that is, a crease that stays
there even when I'm not consciously bringing my eyebrows together...
or, um, unconsciously doing it, either...cuz I usually do it
unconsiously. Maybe that's why I don't look all friendly and
cuddly and approachable...heh. Cuz I'm always unconsiously scowling.
Ummm....That, and I'm not really all that friendly and cuddly and
approachable with people I don't know. Maybe that's it).
I guess a weekend of being in the sun and in the water
and stuff will do that. Heh.
Also, I need to try to find navy blue shoe polish.
Further, I kind of want these really dark red shoes I saw a
few weeks ago, but really, really cannot afford them. So I
will just pine, instead...
On the other hand, this weekend, I got to ride in a Porsche
911. Didn't get to drive it, though....sniff
And I'm not sure why I'm comparing them directly, but Kate
Bush kicks Tori Amos's ass. Wuthering Heights, dude. Listened to
The Kick Inside this weekend while spending about a
total of 3 hours driving. Even the whalesong (which usually annoys
the living shit out of me--oooh! I'm all etherial, so earth-mothery,
in touch with the ambergis-heads of the deep! MAAAAOOOOOHHHH!!
MMMAAAAAAHHHOOOOOOHHOOOOOHHHH!) didn't really bother me. Much.
And, of course, I enjoyed driving Adam's Crown Vic. As long as
I am not the one paying for gas in it...
But on the way up to Columbia Saturday night, on 295, I realized that
both of my headlights had burned out within about 8 hours of
one
another. I said to Adam, "Is it just me, or does it look awful dark
in front of my car?" The response being, "Well, your parking lights
are on." I had no choice. I had to drive with my (perfectly functioning)
high beams on. Of course, since I was going to Columbia, it was ok.
Heh. Heh heh. It also proved the point I had been making to Adam
earlier that day about it being practical to replace both headlights
(or any pair of bulbs on one's car) at the same time, if one burned out.
Also, I need to buy a freekin' phone calling card because AT&T hasn't
reinstated my phone service, even though the bill was paid several
weeks ago. Phooey.
I had this strange dream this afternoon while taking an accidental
nap. First, a friend of mine signed me up to do a stand-up comedy
routine at a club, and I got really pissed off at her and started
yelling. Then -- and I have no clue how this is connected, but, hell,
it's a dream, so it doesn't matter -- there was this news story about
a guy who had cut off his nose to spite his face. He looked so surprised
about it. Then, someone told him that he couldn't sue anyone about it,
and he cut off his eyelids and yanked out his left eye and cut it
free of the optic nerve, and said, "How about now??" It was
almost as funny as it was disgusting. I need to stop looking through
anatomy books, perhaps.
See what I mean about the radio in the car?
Bwahahahaha. Charlie Sheen. You know, I thought I was imagining
things when I heard the singer...er....guy yelling at the front
of the bad...I mean, band sing this.
C-Tec, the band I went to actually see, on the other hand,
was good. And all. I am a sucker for phrasing. When I heard
the song that started something like, "I remember, vaguely,"
I knew I was gonna have to buy the CD. I mean, come on.
"In the end it took me a dictionary/To find out the meaning of
unrequited/While she was giving herself for free/At a party
to which I was never invited"
On Thursday, I found a CD that I have vaguely been looking for
for a while. Mostly, I bought it because it was $4.
And hey, any song that rhymes unrequited and dictionary is ok with me.
Also: tried the (ahem) Creamy Chicken flavor of ramen (forget who
makes it). Whoa, buddy...I've done that once, don't have
to do it again...
Also: you know the proverbial honeymoon is over when
you stop giving things just because you want to, and
start wishing for reciprocation. I guess that's why
I love my car so very, very much. It is feeling that
it's my turn to give to it, I think, right now.
I can relate. And I certainly owe it to my car.
Is it sad to be this attached to an inanimate object?
And, finally: Orthostatic hypotension. It's just fun to
say. That is all. (10 points if you know what it means;
10 more if you have heard me say it before...)
Yes, my exciting day. Yahoo.
(12:45 pm)
So there's this poem that I've been about to write for about
three weeks. I don't know whether the better term for it is
nascent or festering. Huh. Is it about to be born, or is it about to
pop and ooze like a big grody pimple (ok, that just amused me.
Wow, that's easy to do.).
Not quite good enough to make it to the quotes page, but I'm
liking it today...
Mmmm. Steph not deep today.
This also likely means that my tahini (exclusively for making hummus),
carrots (which I bought to make a carrot cake for my very own
birthday, before I remembered I didn't have a cake pan), possibly
the soy sauce (1/2 gallon, bought at Price Club, thank you), and
beer are all bad/skunked. Of course, it's Sam Adams, so it might
actually not taste all that different. But still.
At least I didn't have anything expensive or that I really liked
in there (um...like orange juice. I would be really pissed off then.
But, luckily, I drank all of that. Hrm....)
And maybe I should put a different shirt on, so that I'm not
completely dressed in navy blue....
Also, while pouting to Mike about how I have been getting very
little email this afternoon, it occurred to me that what someone
(Wayne) said once is rather true: Steph and shamrock are rather
different people. One day, they should be introduced or something.
I am not sure if that is scary or not. But it is very true. The
differences, anyway.
I'm not sure if it's scary or not that I am almost willing to
go into detail. I think I think too much.
Want to shower. Get chlorine off.....gah.
But it smells really nifty. Kinda heavy. Kinda calls to my
underbrain (yeah, yeah, who can tell the difference, right?).
Ok, not very deep today. Oh well.
Also, I just found out that in addition to looking blue or green,
depending on lighting and what I'm wearing, my eyes can also appear
grey. I didn't believe it...till....I just saw it myself. Freaky.
And for the record, I would like to say that Scott Adams is
out of control. I just saw Dilbert ice cream.
Help!
Also, apparently, this weekend, some guy car...I mean bus-
jacked a University of Maryland shuttle bus and made the driver
drive to D.C. Hooobuddy.
The rod attatched to the back of the heater knob on the dash
was...unattatched.
Thank you, thank you. Thankyouthankyou.
Of course, winter kind of sucks (I get cold REAL easy. Which
makes me wonder how the hell I survived back when I was
really skinny, rather than just hibernating the winter away
next to a space heater...But that is neither here nor there).
And summer....you can have it. I hate being hot and sweaty,
and I really really really really hate air conditioning.
Summer basically means sitting around all day drinking cool
beverages, then going and doing stuff in the evening when it's
nice out...Maybe I should just embrace the Suth'nuh within.
Hit me up with another julep.
Also, I have had 2 (2!!!!!!! wow!!!!) responses to my query of
3/26/98. I am agog. It's quite a rush. So, to sum up:
And if you haven't listened to Gordon from the Barenaked
Ladies, you ought to. I need to give that CD back to Dawn. Sigh.
Be my Yoko Ono!
So, if you wish to answer my random thought with
how you describe Steph to people who have never met Steph,
please, feel free to do so.
Taurus: Contemplate domestic turmoil.
Don't don't don't let's start! Indeed. No one in the world ever
gets what they want and that is beautiful. Everybody dies frustrated
and sad, and that is beautiful.
The mirror on the wall/Won't talk to me at all/Now that I have
everything/The face inside the frame/Just doesn't look the same/
Now that I have everything/I wasn't always so fortunate/But I knew
what I had to do/To be well to do/And it had to do/With the things
that I had to do/And I don't want anything/Now I don't want anything/
Now that I have everything/I can't tell things apart/I don't know
where they start/Now there's everything/Don't remind me of yesterday/
Put down that surfboard no/Please don't say all the things/I
think I know that you're about to say/Everything is everything/
Is what you're just about to say/there was a program/Sort of
an inquiry/Into what would be just the thing for me/If it came to
be I would just have to wait and see
If the fact that my thought of the day is completely unrevealing
and stupid and, in fact, just me typing in song lyrics bothers you,
what the hell are you doing looking at this page, or even being
interested in my thoughts? Huh? Huh? My thoughts. This
is not called the Explanation of the Day page. And some days
it's just a little less friendly in here than others.
And if you want me to reveal what the thoughts mean, you too
can go to hell. Revelation. Ha. Ra-ha.
So! Spring Break.
So! My wetsuit is in.
Anyway. Mumble mumble thoughts mumble mumble.
Sneezing. Is it from
I feel something now.
Thank you, thank you very much.
(1:47 pm)
(1:31 pm)
(12:09)
(12:04)
(11:35 am)
Oh. Just remembered. My teeth hurt. I must have been grinding
up a storm last night. And I've been clenching them most of
the time I've been up today. Yeesh. Ow. Ow ow ow.
(midnight)
I would revise all of this for greater stylistic effect, but
I'm currently too lazy. Yes, I edited someone's draft of a
paper today. Man, I am such an English geek. It's embarassing.
But.......it was so much fun! And I think that's the
scary part.
You are not loved
if I haven't gotten new mail since I last read mail.
Mike Liddel suggested that I should have it say
You have not been loved since ...
but I think that was taking it a little too far into territory
I don't wanna think about. (Though that would be a funny way
to put it...)
Are you open for trade I've been looking for truth I can feel your face Will we grow together I can feel your face
I wonder why I am listening to this album, cuz it mostly really pisses
me off. Especially one song, "One of the Three," which has the line
"It's a shame you got so famous for a sacrifice." I dunno. If it's
a true, good sacrifice, not too bad a reason to be remembered. If you
ask
me.
Possibly the most potent curse anyone has ever laid on me is the
curse that one day I will be completely smitten with someone.
I live in fear, because like the other curse, "May you live in
interesting
times," nothing good can really come of it. Anybody ever read the
Harlan Ellison story, "Grail"?
And, boy howdy, how I am ending every sentence with a preposition.
(1 pm. more thoughts)
(well, 2 am, anyway-technically the 17th.)
Now, I'm wondering if I could make a longboat for my shoes with a
router...
Rats. New shoes.
So, for those of you really interested, maybe I will make up a
shopping list for my ever-wonderful
upcoming birthday. I'm a-gonna be 23. Old!
Goodbye, shoes. I will never for*sniff*get you.........
And that is different from my current self-absorbtion, how?
This is all very exciting, no?
While talking (talking, zwriting, much the same, right....? right?
eek....) with Mike, I
mentioned that at a Mexican/Tex-Mex restaurant today, I had tried
mole sauce (which I have been curious about for quite a while).
He asked if it was made of moles, or if it only came in quantities
of mols...It was the question about the mol that made me remember
one of the reasons I like chemistry so much..."Yes, I'd like a
mol of mole sauce..."
Well, maybe 4 mols of mole sauce....don't know the molecular weight
of mole sauce. Better to have too much than too little, at least,
with respect to mole sauce, because I don't believe it is explosive,
and it didn't seem to require suspension in oil or anything like
that...Man, chemistry is fun.
Also, quite happy about the CD's I bought Thursday...Finally
(finally!!) got a copy of Joy Division's Unknown Pleasures
on CD (long story), as well as Closer. Also got Lard,
The Last Temptation of Reid, which has a cover of "They're
Coming to Take Me Away" on it...coool. The CD spree occurred after
I decided that no, I didn't really want to go to a show bad enough
to go to SW D.C. alone at night...Oh well.
We'd roll and fall in green
You had a temper, like my jealousy
Too hot, too greedy
How could you leave me?
I hated you, I loved you too
Bad dreams in the night
They told me I was going to lose the fight
Leave behind my wuthering, wuthering,
Wuthering Heights
-Kate Bush, "Wuthering Heights"
I kind of like my mishearing better, but it's a little...slant.
If that makes sense. Ok, maybe I think too much, even with a
radio in the car.
So, I was going to go to class, and make it (mostly) on time.
I went and got stamps to mail my bills off. I picked up a mostly
free copy of The Kick Inside because I decided that was
a good way to spend the $6 credit I had at Record and Tape Exchange.
I parked the car, and was going to walk to class. I stopped at my
room to brush my teeth. And. Suddenly. Felt. Not. Right.
Yukko.
So, I'm alternating between lying on the floor, feeling yukko, and
checking my mail. How freekin' geeky is that? Sheesh.
However, I am also listening to my own personal copy of The
Kick Inside, so I can give Adam back the tape I borrowed.
Wheehoo.
Steph's Tip of the Day:
Don't wear 20 pounds of lead weight when you only need 12 or 14
pounds.
April 28, 1998
Going to see They Might Be Giants tonight. Rock on.
April 27, 1998
I'm having a discussion about arguing and it's making
me...argumentative.
That would almost be funny. I think. If it weren't so stoopid.
Heh.
April 26, 1998
I need a radio in my car. I think too damn much.
April 21, 1998
While driving around today, I saw this glinty chrome thing on
the mudflaps of the pick up in front of me. As we were at a stop
light, I studied them, trying to figure out exactly how the
nekkid wimmen were arranged on the mud flap glinty thing.
Then it struck me: it wasn't an obscene mudflap decoration,
but a ram's-head. I looked up, and indeed, the pick up was a
Dodge. Ram-tough, and all. Pfui. Sex. Advertising.
It can't be just me...
April 20, 1998
(1 am)
Don't touch me, I'm unclean/DON'T FUCK WITH CHARLIE SHEEN!!
-Rorschach Test, "Unclean"
But no. He really did.
He was also getting far, far too intimate with the mic stand.
There was something going on there, I think.
Perhaps I will wait a little while to buy it, seeing as how I
could not currently properly enjoy it, being deaf and all.
But that's ok.
April 19, 1998
"I saw two shooting stars last night/I wished on them but they
were only satellites/Is it wrong to wish on space hardware?"
-Billy Bragg, "A New England"
-Billy Bragg, "The Sunday Boy"
April 17, 1998
I feel like I should clarify something about my
thoughts on the 15th, but I don't know quite what.
And, dang, my left eye hurts/burns/feels wrong in a wrong way.
Like yo' mama!
Um, right.
April 15, 1998
I hate getting really annoyed and frustrated by
things when I know I should have known better
from the start (hell, even when I did
know better at the start).
What could I possibly be referring to? Oh, buddy,
take your pick from the many exciting options in
my life. Wheee.
Ok, maybe I'm feeling a little bitter, a little
self-pitying, and a little like giving myself a
big ol' kick in the ass with ye olde safety shoes.
Goddam.
April 14, 1998
(2:10 pm)
Whoa. Someone on the phone just spelled my last name right
on the first try.
Guy on phone: Last name?
Me: Hausler (I admit, I pronounce it a little like "House-ler"
sometimes...Or even "Houze-ler". Though usually like "Howsler")
Guy on phone: H-A-U-S-L-E-R?
Me: <boggle> Why, yes, actually.
Guy on phone: Heh heh. Now how often does that happen?
Me: Um. Never. That's a first.
Mmmm. Takin' in sodium.
April 13, 1998
(2:20 am)
Wowee, my Thoughts file is larger than my Quotes file.
Pretty exciting stuff, huh?
Maybe I'm thinking in those terms to some extent because I haven't
been very good to my body recently. Except for regularly brushing
my teeth and, as always, consuming lots of fluids.
I should floss.
There are so many stupid, common, everyday things that I need
that I haven't bothered to buy, even though I've needed them
for a while. Like, Scotch tape.
Well, rats.
But, so, writing. I would be taking writing workshop this semester
just for shits and grins, except the person teaching the Advanced
Poetry Workshop class is the person I took APW with a few years
ago. Not that she wasn't good...just...sigh. I would like to
take it with someone else. Oh well, neither here nor there, really.
At one point, I was convinced that I was really good. Now. Huh.
That's part of the reason I'd like to take workshop again...sort of.
Hah. Funny the things I give a good goddam about, nowadays.
April 12, 1998
"You own the prize for step back and revise and redo it/And
you wouldn't sound so aenesthetized if you'd been through it/
But you blew it/Blew it/ The carrot you give is enough to barely
live so I pursue it/ And the pat on my back is open-handed and
flat and subdued/You withdrew it"
-Liquorice, "Blew It"
I need to go grocery shopping. Dang.
And I got to realize again (and again and again) how badly I
perform in some social situations this weekend. That's always
#&**^$*# annoying...I mean, character-building.
And, boy howdy, did the Cookie Dough commercial on Saturday
Night Live this past week make me laugh like a crazed weasel.
Or something (everyone remember the Disney version of The Wind
in the Willows?).
And I've been really digging the idea of the personal
masseur/masseuse again, but that never gets me anywhere.
Steph need go buy Easter candy at half price. Mmm. Yes.
April 6, 1998
I tried to change the brake pads on the front end of my car
yesterday. Well, I...got them...off....Heh. Heh heh. 'hem.
Apparently, over the weekend or something, my little refrigerator
got unplugged or left open or something. So that when I went to
open my nice new carton of milk so I could add it to my coffee,
I noticed, distantly, that it was...rather warm. Opened the
carton, sniffed...smelled a little funny. Hm. Taste....Now,
normally, I like yogurt, but...not in my coffee. Ptui.
Into the sink with you, poor wasted milk.
April 3, 1998
So while across campus trying to figure out why random VCRs aren't
working, I ran into an instructor I had a class with about three
years ago. Who recognizes me. Instantly. And remembered my name.
At once. It was pretty freaky, since, well, it doesn't happen that
I am remembered by professors and such, since I rarely speak in
class (yes, of course it's related to childhood trauma, but you
don't really want to know, so let's just let it go at that, all
right?). Wacky, wacky, wackiness.
April 1, 1998
There is this great smell going on, here.
It's warm out, and about to rain. For some reason, I think
I have heard that smell is the smell of ozone(?!??!). Um. Ok.
March 30, 1998
I got my birthday shoes this weekend!
They are navy blue, three-hole, steel/safety-toe Docs.
They make me Very Happy.
And, no, they are not suede.
March 29, 1998
Not all the votes are in, but I think I win the highly-coveted
Duh Award for this year. Saturday, I figured out and fixed
what was wrong with the heat in my car.
March 27, 1998
I don't care what anyone says. One of the few good things
about this area (MD/D.C.) is the weather in the fall and
spring. Example? Last Saturday, it was snowing. This
Saturday, I might be going sailing.
People are writing me mail (yay!) to tell me about what they
say about me (yay!) to other people when I am not around.
My God, I'm vain. blush
March 26, 1998
My random thought today (earlier this morning, driving along....
what does this say? I think it says I need a radio in my car.
Thinking! Augh!!!!) was, essentially, this: How do/would
people describe me when mentioning me to someone who has
not yet met me?
I mean, I know how Greg describes me (or at least did a few years
ago): "Steph, the person who most completely rejected my very
existance (for a while)." Ah, the mistakes I have made. But I was
more of a weenie then. Not...to say I'm not now. But. Maybe
less so? whimper whine whine whine
I mean. Mistakes I have made, in general. No offence to Greg.
Anyway. The things I think about. Thinkin thinkin things.
March 23, 1998
They Might Be Giants. Indeedy.
From "Hide Away, Folk Family":
Aquarius: Abandon hope for future plans.
March 19, 1998
Maybe I need to just write more bad haiku.
I feel like Lurch from the Addams Family. I keep walking around
making that noise that Lurch made. I'm not really tired, just
.....I feel really worn out.
I get to try it out in the pool tomorrow. Woohoo!
March 18, 1998
Oh. Sneezing.
the cat hair on my sweater
Or have I a cold?
Is it another haiku
Or another sneeze?
March 15, 1998
You know that thing I said on that day?
I was right.
March 14, 1998
So, if I adopted "You've caught me at a bad time/So why don't you
piss off" (from "Your Silent Face" by New Order) as a personal
slogan, would that be a sign of a bad attitude?
(Yes, I do mean that mostly as a joke)
March 13, 1998
(4:25 pm)
Less antsy, yet still so.
In state of strange agitation.
FRIIIIIIIIIIIIIDAY.
Lyrics to "Psycho Killer" going through my head.
The day is actually going by kind of quickly, but it doesn't
quite seem that way.
Still antsy.
Still antsy. Dis. Tract. Teeeeeeeeeeeeeed.
I am very antsy, noticing that nervous babbling in writing thing.
Antsy, antsy, antsy.
Meanwhile, I could be doing like actual work. Instead, I am working
on that silly perl script.
I didn't have any coffee yesterday, but I don't think the one mug
of it that I had is the only thing doing this to me. sigh.
I. Am. Impatient.
I wish I had time to shower after scuba this morning.
Chlorine doesn't like my skin.
There was something else I was thinking, but I have forgotten it.
Dang.
Hanging out, listening to Afghan Whigs. I think I am even going to
do some work. Taking a nap during the day is a good, happy, fun
thing. And let me tell you, I needed the sleep.
I also noticed that while I do not tend to babble nervously when
I am, indeed, nervous, I do tend to babble in writing. Which
I find pretty funny. Also, I'm waiting for someone(s) to yell at
me for the glut of mail I tend to write late at night because of
this thing called Ethernet. Wheeeee!
March 11, 1998
Wow, I did remember to put my watch on today.
Wheeeeee.
March 10, 1998
My first perl script might be a little thingy that checks to see if
I have mail, and prints out when I got it if I do, or
March 5, 1998
I had a dream last night that I don't remember, except someone was
looking at my eye(s), and noticing that they're weird, color-wise.
My response was, essentially, well, yes, they are.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
March 3, 1998
midnight
Five-O
Your salvation, for something, for some thrills
Here's a body of work for your inspection
You can trace, trace my concern
My concern
At the cost of living
I've been afraid
Of what's before mine eyes
Every answer found
Begs another question
The further you go, the less you know
The less I know
Gonna make it mine
I can be the man
I see in your eyes
Can you take my weight
Are we both too small
Know each other well
We've met before
Will it be a lie
If it lasts forever, hope I'm the first to die
Will you marry me, Can we meet the cost
Is the power of love worth the pain of loss
Can you pay the bill, will you keep the change
Are you here for the party, or are you here for the pain
Gonna make it mine
I can be the man
I see in your eyes
Will we grow together
Will it be a lie
If it lasts forever, hope I'm the first to die
Hope I'm the first to die
-James, from Laid
What really pisses me off is that the music I like, but the lyrics
really bug me.
Although the song I bothered to cut and paste above is actually pretty
cool. And the little note about the song in the liner notes:
So, eventually you find true love, the missing piece. Do you really
think that will be the end of your fears?
Ok, not really deep, but kinda funny. I guess it's deep if it's
something you haven't actually thought about. Mebbe I just think
about things like this too much. True love, my ass.
No, wait, that didn't come out right.
Eenyway.
March 2, 1998
I was altogether too....something yesterday. I can't really say
cheerful. Maybe "finding lots of stuff to amuse myself with"
is a better description.
Went to BWI and walked the wrong way on the people-mover thing,
which I have always wanted to do, but there have always been people
on it, so I haven't been able to.
Also walked around in McKeldin fountain because it was empty and
fun to vault over the little things that are a little like locks,
except no boats go up the fountain. Actually, the little walls remind
me of the separations between porches in the neighborhood of townhouses
I grew up in (and how I once ended up twisting my ankle when I landed
wrong after trying to do a running leap over it. Ooopsie).
March 1, 1998
Augh! I'm wearing glasses!! NooooooO!
February 28, 1998
The thing on the 18th? Definitely useless wanking.
Now, writing bad poetry, on the other hand, that
was useful. Er....Um.....Or sumpin'.
February 25, 1998
More in the "Life is Going to Be Really Annoying Today" series,
this entry from Jason:
Also, I had a very fun conversation about fetching students out
of classes they are not in. Phooey.
back by popular demand:
A few minutes ago in Keith's lab class in the reactor he asks Mike
'so, have you ever had an unscheduled shutdown?'
Immediately following that the building power flickers a couple of
times and the console power trips, shutting the reactor down.
He is a dangerous man.
February 23, 1998
Hello. Nevermind.
February 18, 1998
(evening)
It's very funny and nearly eerie how things work sometimes. Now, is that
because one subconciously is trying to make something happen, or is
it just life's way of bending you over that chair?
(early morning)
I just wrote this long journal-y type thing. And now I'm wondering,
is it meaningful, or just a stupid mental masturbation whose
sole purpose was to make myself feel better and more intelligent
about how I am currently facing issues (issues, I say!) in
my life.
But mostly, I am concerned because it is really disorganized. Hee hee.
Now, what part of the preceeding is most troubling? heh.
February 17, 1998
(11 pm. yet more extra thoughts)
Jen and Dawn got me a mouse and a Beavis and Butt-Head mousepad!!!
ALL HAIL JEN AND DAWN!!!!!!
At least now another song has entered rotation in my head ("Damaged
Goods", Gang of Four). Wheeeee.
I was just thinking about how many love songs are about manipulation
(no, not that kind). Cheifly because "Every Breath You Take" by The
Police has been running through my head.
Make. It. Stop.
Also, about how cold I'm going to be when I wake up in the morning.
But that just means I should wear heavier clothes to bed.
February 16, 1998
So, when everyone else in my class runs off at the hour and a half
break to wolf down a cigarette, I run to the computer lab to
check my email.
Sigh. Addictions.
February 10, 1998
My thoughts are not fit for public consumption today.
February 8, 1998
So, I had yet more weird dreams last night, featuring the following:
I also found some odd little thing in the bottom of my coffee mug
today. It might have been a piece of cooked macaroni.
The funny thing is, I was drinking black coffee, no sugar.
I am curious as to how such a foreign body got into my beverage.
Mighty confusing.
February 5, 1998
I had this weird dream in which I was talking to an ex-boyfriend's
ex-girlfriend. She was telling me that I needed to get new glasses.
Duh.
February 4, 1998
I was telling Mike that my shoes had died (see February 3), and
that I really owe them a burial of some sort: they have earned
their rest. Mike suggested that I build a funeral pyre, no,
two funeral pyres, one for each shoe. I realized that what I really
needed was a longboat funeral. Mike suggested two longboats, one
each bearing a flag: one flag, the Crest of the Left Shoe; the
other flag, the Crest of the Right Shoe. Float longboats down
McKeldin foutain. In flames.
February 3, 1998
I just discovered that my low-top (3-hole) docs have finally bit
the bullet. I mean, the holes in the leather uppers were not enough
for me to pronounce them dead. But there is now a crack in the sole
of the right shoe that goes all the way through the sole. Hi, insole!
How're you doing?
January 27, 1998
Lo, and every time I type checkmail at the prompt, I am told again
how little I matter...oh, woe....
Or maybe not, but getting mail passes the time waiting until someone
needs help here or such like much faster than does sitting around
doing nothing.
Also, I must admit that of late I have been thinking about how
most of the people I have been friends with in the last few years
(ok, I mean my college friends, I suppose) have already moved
away, or are going to do so imminently. It's about as distressing
a thought as it was last year. It's making me feel pretty weird
and isolated, even though not everyone is gone yet. It's kind of
strange. I can't wait until I move so I can just be self-absorbed
and tell myself that people miss me, and not really have to find
out if they do or don't.
Oh, well.
I am tired of hearing myself speak and think, and I am even
getting tired of reading my own writing. Now that is pretty
shocking. Though, hopefully, I will snap out
of it soon. Bah.
January 26, 1998
Ok, I am so directionless today that I just had a dandy time sorting
my .anyone file (whee...man pages....)
Also, and this is very exciting, I figured out what is causing
the weird stuff my car is doing...so, to recap, what I had thought
was a new and exciting thing wrong with my car turned out to be
a new and mysterious thing wrong with my car which became a new
and puzzling thing wrong with my car (the key isn't going back to
normal driving position after the starter engine has fired up the
car, which it really really actually used to do...and I'm now puzzled
as to why it isn't. Whereas before (when it was a new and mysterious
problem), I had written off as a random electrical problem. And even
before then, when it was a new and exciting problem, but exciting
in a bad way, like: Will my car make it to campus?).
And please, please, excuse my grammar today. It's not
working.
January 25, 1998
I'd like to revise my January 23 statement to read "I hate it
when I FEEL like an asshole."
But that is not the whole point here.
Images of chefs at a TexMex place with plastic aprons and goggle
marks, weighing out mole sauce, and remember, hot glass looks like
cold glass....
Though now I am wondering what is the right form for CD and its
plural. I remember reading that "CD's" is acceptable, and don't
remember if "CDs" is as well. Because "CDs" looks better to my
eyes. I can see "cd's" as being correct, because then it looks
less like an arbitrary sting of letters....but more like an
arbitrary string of letters which owns something. heh heh.
Fight "the" apostrophe's!
January 23, 1998
I hate it when I'm an asshole.
Though I can't say it interferes with my self-image...
But that's just a little too much information, now, isn't it?
January 22, 1998
Why can't I write simple expository prose today?
Though I must admit I am enjoying all the HTML coding...Brrr.
January 20, 1998
According to the WAM usage stats, my homepage has gotten 160 hits. Now,
my question is, over what period of time? Hee hee.
Oh, by the way, that accounts for 0.01% of all hits on www.wam (if
I am reading this correctly...I have this feeling I am. Bwahaha. 0.01%)
January 8, 1998
My job is kewl.
During the semester, it's pretty normal, help-desk type stuff. But
now...
we are installing equipment in classrooms: the rack of A/V stuff,
projectors, wiring. So today (when I finally made it into work, but
that's a different story), I helped pull some cable and some lead ropes.
This means (for me in this case, anyway) that I had to climb up on
this big, tall, rickety ladder thing. Now, ok, I am sort of afraid of
heights. No, actually, I am deathly afraid of falling from great
heights.
Climbing the ladder was quite...invigorating. Heh. Heh heh.
But cool.
January 6, 1997
Well, the dash light stopped working. But it's ok.
January 3, 1998
Yesterday, I drifted into a gas station (which, luckily for me, was
actually there--I didn't plan it that way) because my engine had
died from lack of gas (while images of what other things could be
wrong flashed through my head, but, no, it was just lack of fuel).
Today, one of the dashboard lights, which have both been not lighting
for about 2 years, lit randomly as I pulled into a parking space. It's
not like it was just a flaky connection and it didn't work occasionally,
I mean that I thought the bulb was burned out. Over the past 22 months,
I have done innumerable things to the car, some of which might have made
the light jostle enough to come on, or other wackiness. I really
thought
that the bulbs were burned out, and was going to replace them when I
finally broke down and tore off my dash facia to replace the heater core
(yeah, my car is a bit of a beater, but I am pretty attatched to it.
Don't talk to me if you are going to bust on my car. It has almost a
quarter of a million miles on it. I spent a summer delivering pizza in
it, have driven it between Baltimore and D.C. more than any car should
have to go between Baltimore and D.C., have done various kluges to get
it to run, and it has rarely let me down. It is a tank in my own
private army. Go 'way.), but now the bulb is working.
This made me happy. I would likely still be grinning if I hadn't spent
two hours in a cat-ful apartment. Now I just feel sick, though at least
I can breathe again. Damn. And I am missing the tv show marathon.
Allergies are just another reminder of how I would have died an early
death, had I been born just a couple thousand years earlier...
And here I thought I was getting over my cat allergies. Ugh. I was
going to sit it out--my eyes did stop itching and feeling gummy after
a while--but when I couldn't stop coughing and had trouble breathing,
I decided leaving was in order...Pfeh.
shamrock@onastick.net